Its been since Sunday.....

Its been Sunday since I wrote mainly because I don't know where to go to next. I wish I could say that after a diagnosis and medicine it go better. That I picked myself up by my boot straps and headed back down that road of weight loss. Nope I didn't. Here I am 10 months short of 2 days...October 4th is the day that I feel like it all changed.....and I am 100 pounds back toward 438 lbs. I am not there yet but I have gained 100 pounds back of the 170 I lost. People are so kind to say you don't look like it but I know that I do. I see myself. I put the clothes on or really I don't because I can't fit into those clothes. I have gone back up sizes. It is so tough. I can remember thinking I would never go back over 300 pounds. Too late. I do not want to get back to 400 and I'm not there yet. THere's the head knowledge of what to do to stop this but the heart the fight to do it is not there. My heart need to get with my head and figure this problem out because Lord knows I miss my old new self!

When I was 400something.....I was a confident person. I really thought I could conquer the world. No joke. Size did not matter. I was loved by all that knew me. But was often looked at by those didn't as the fat girl until they got to know me. Then they loved me too. Well..maybe.

As I started loosing weight, my confidence grew even more. Actually I think it changed. I was confident, proud, had a sparkle, sassy....all of the above but in a different way. So now here I am gaining weight as I type(probably). As I have gained weight, I don't have the big girl confidence that I once did or the confidence I gained as I lost weight. I didn't know what being smaller was really like. And well now I do...I like the smaller version of me. I will never be the confident big girl because I want to be the smaller self assured La.

I often sit and think about where where my motivation and security are that I had before. It feels lost. I lay in bed at night and pray that I wake up the next morning ready to conquer it. I don't want to wait to Monday. But then I wake up and its not there.

Will I ever get to that 175 pounds that I was so close to getting too. Realize that I less than 100 pounds to getting there. I think I feel more overwhelmed trying to get to the goal now than I did when I at my largest. Why? Because now I fight a different fight. A fight against myself, against arthritis, against weight, against emotions, against what?

Is it physical, emotional, or really is it a spiritual fight? I believe it's spiritual. As I write this I think about the verse...Ephesians 6:12......For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

So I got out my Life Application Bible to read and see how it explains this verse. Well it sent me to 1 Peter 5:8 ..... and all I could think was about "a roaring lion" actually there's more....Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

The explanation for this.....Lions attack sick, young, or straggling animals,; they choose victims who are alone or not alert. Peter warns us to watch out for Satan when we are suffering or not alert. Feeling alone(check), weak(check), helpless(check), and cut off from other believers(sometimes), so focused on our troubles that we forget to watch for danger.

So what to do during these times of suffering...what do to what to do! Well on the next verse...James 4:7 Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.
I'm not a big fan of the Message but I love this...So let God work his will in you. Yell a loud no to the Devil and watch him scamper. Say a quiet yes to God and he'll be there in no time. James 4:7

Final word. In closing...ha ha! Been in church a long time!

Flee the devil. Say NO. Focus on God. Keep your eyes on him and not the suffering. Don't submit to circumstances, but submit to the Lord who is still in control!