Wednesday, January 11, 2012

A new plan...or a different one

I had my mind set as I left for church. I would go to church, run sound, and sneak back to town for Popeye's. Yep...chicken strips. That is certainly not healthy. I had no plan to exercise or eat right tonight. I would cheat and skip. That was my plan.

But someone had a different plan. Yep. After church, I could not just slip away and head for my 3 piece strip with fries and a biscuit and oh the honey! Thomas had another plan that we...that's me and Michelle....had kinda sorta been putting off.

This plan has been in place for a while but we had not taken any action. The plan? Train with Thomas aka Bob aka the Marine who would give us no slack and would accept no excuses. (Michelle has named the people willing to "train" us new names according to Biggest Loser) Bob...Gillian.....Dulvette(?)

After church, we started our training. He SAID we would not really be working out...this coming from a ex-Marine. It wouldn't take 15 minutes and it didn't long but it was a workout. AND it was just what I needed.

Through the new workout, I found that feeling I remembered and love. I found I could focus again and enjoy working out. YEP....I like exercise and when I am enjoying it....I crave it. I crave it rather than food. I know I know sounds crazy but it is true. I remember a day when I would get up on a Sunday morning, go to the track, go back home, get ready for church, AND make it on time. That is dedication. HAHAHAHA

AND just in case you are I didn't stop for chicken.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

In this corner.....

My goal this week was to blog every day but I didn't because I got home late last night. Yes I watched THE game. The one everyone is talking about.

As I once again sit at the table, I don't know what to blog. I feel like I talk about the same things all the time. The fight. The weight loss. The fight. The sickness. But of course my mind is always thinking and going. And once again my mind has been every where. Thinking about the weight, the diet, the past, the future, life, friends, family, the people in my life, the people mind is constantly moving.


I really have negative thoughts. I really don't share that a lot or I try not to. I really don't want to be a negative person. I use to be a positive person at my highest weight. The big girl who made everyone laugh and smile. I honestly am not who I use to be and I don't like it. yeah...i said that before.

TO be completely honest....I really believe that I will always be a fat girl. That the fight is now over and the fat girl beat the skinny girl. I don't know how to fight it. I do good for a week. Eating right and exercising. Working to be healthy. Doing the right things just like I did before. Then this voice begins to rise up in my are fat. You cannot do this. You like food. You will always be fat. Even with all the support I get....the negative thoughts are still there. Because see this battle is mine. I can have family support and friends encouragement but its all up to me. I have to make the right choices and right decisions.

I fight a never ending battle.

I am very close to resigning to the fact that I am going to be a fat girl....always. :(

Sunday, January 8, 2012

The ins and outs of life!

Julie and Julia....have you watched that movie? I love that movie. If you haven't watched it I recommend it. It is about a women who is approaching thirty whose life is not where she wants it to be. She begins to blog, cooks 524 recipes in 365 days from Julia Child's cookbook. It transformed her life. OK so I am not going to cook through any cookbook but I am going to follow Julie's example and blog again.

Amazingly I have been blogging off and on since 2008! Who knew that! Not me! Lots of things have happened over the last 3 plus years. I look back over the previous blogs and there have been several ins and outs...changes.

People have come in and went out of my heart and life. People have come out of the blue and into my life and heart. Throughout these ins and outs...I still have that consistent support group.

Another change is that I moved into a new house! I love it. I moved out of Weston and into "town!" Hahaha! It is nice. Trash pickup is great except for the fact that is picked up at 4am every Thursday but no more putting in the car! I just have to remember to put it beside the street before Thursday morning! My mother reminds me often that I live on a street now and not the road. Yep I'm from the country.

The biggest change that has come about is the weight gain. Ugh I hate even discussing it but this is a blog about weight, change, and getting healthy. The subject cannot be avoided! I can remember when I first started losing weight(and had lost about 50 or so pounds) I began telling people how much I weighed with I started. I even blogged it. 438 pounds. yep...thats right. YOu can go back and read the original blog...or just take my word. I surely remember all that weight. People were astonished that I would tell that. My thoughts were always...and I told people...that I would never be that weight again. Don't worry I am not back there! THANK YOU JESUS. If I were my family would probably need to bury me.....I cannot even imagine being back there. BUT with that said...I am slowly or maybe not so slowly, I am creeping back there. It is has been one year, two months, and 4 day since the weight started back. I NEVER thought I would be back where I am.

I must mention that I was down to 268. Quickly do the math....I lost a 170 lbs. The weight was so heavy. Not only did it lift the weight burden from the outside but also from the inside. I loved myself. Yep. I really liked myself. Even though for some 268 is a still a big fat must think I was 438. So 268 was skinny... Just look at my pictures. I liked myself and I liked the looks, the attention, and the feeling good.

I miss all that! I don't feel good. I have more health problems that I did at 400 plus pounds....I don't like it. I don't fit in clothes and like it. I am big again...I don't like it. I worry about fitting places again...I don't like it. The fight is much harder now...I don't like it. I don't feel pretty....I don't like it. I lost my sparkle....I don't like that either. I get looks but not the good kind....dislike!

As I sit here at the kitchen table.....I am thinking how do I close this chapter. What do I say? Do I give myself a charge? Do I say what's next? Do I make promises to come back soon? I see only one way to end this blog entry.......

378....that's where I am now............................AND YES IT IS HEAVIER THAN THE 438.