Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Mean girls

I am laying here trying to decide what to write about and the one thing I keep coming back is MEAN GIRL. 

After a wonderful week in Guatemala, I was on cloud 9. What a wonderful week we had.  Loving on children.  Fellowship with believers.  Learning more about ourselves.  And growing with my Lord.  But it doesn't take long for someone to enter into your life and jump on your cloud.

I always wonder who I will sit by on a plane. I actually worry because of my size and the size of the seats. This is a big girl worry.  I pray that it is someone I can talk with, minister to, and feel comfortable with.  Someone who doesn't mind sitting by the big girl who may take up part of their seat.  The flight to GUA was great. I sat on the aisle beside a young lady also traveling to do mission work.  It was a nice flight.

Fast forward a week.   I again started praying about who I would sit by.   The worry was there again. 

21E.  I had a middle seat. NOT GOOD. 

As I entered the plane, I ask for a seat belt extender.  The steward as me what seat. When I replied, he said oh best seat on the plane.  HOW funny.  Eased up my nerve some.  I moved toward my seat anticipating who I would sit by.  There by the window was a sweet man. I received a sweet smile as I sat down.

We waited for a while for our third neighbor to arrive.  At the last minute, a lady approached my row.  She looked at me.  She just didn't look at me she eyed me. 

Carl the steward approaches.  This is our the conversation went.

I don't mean to be rude but I can't sit here.
Carl: Excuse me.
HER......While looking at me....I don't mean to be rude but I cannot sit here.  I need to put my arm rest down. And I cannot sit here.  I'm not trying to be rude.  But it is a 3 hour flight.

I started trying to get the arm rest down but she wouldn't have it. 
Carl showed her an empty seat two rows in front of us beside one of my friends.  I said I can go up there. I know here.  Carl insisted I stay where I was.  He said I would be fine.  It was ok. 

I leaned up to Stephanie...that was mean. Stephanie said...I can hit her on the head if you need me to....No. We were ready to get home. We didn't need to get kicked off the plane.

Carl seated her then came back to bring the extender and to see about me.  TOO LATE. The tears had started flowing.

Not only were there tears...there was snot, snubbing, and shaking.  I was so upset.  Never had I been so humiliated  in my whole life. 

Carl told me it was going to be ok.  Ask me if I need anything and after a list of things we settled on a Kleenex.  He brought the entire box.  

I thought I would never stop crying.  It hurt so bad.  My chest felt like it would explode.  I cannot imagine someone being so mean.  See if I live in a world where people love me and care about me.  They care about me but don't see my weight and even if they do...they don't show it.

The crying would not stop.  I was praying God help me when suddenly I felt arms reach around me from behind.  It was the best feeling. Someone was there when my heart was hurting so bad.  A sweet voice whispered to me that is was ok, I was loved, and that if I needed it anything he was sitting close behind me.  It was one of the men on our trip.  He had been a gentile giant the entire trip. Holding hands to get on the trucks, getting our bagging, making sure our small group walked together to the hotel, giving a hand to come down the steps.  And now he was there again to love on me when I really needed it.  Thank you God for a man like James who didn't care about what people thought just that someone was hurting.  My heart eased up and my crying slowed down.  I couldn't cry the whole flight. 

This was a 4 hour flight.  Carl.  Remember him?  He's still in the picture.  He came by me more times that I could count. He smiled at me, made conversation, insisted that I have a drink(even suggested Vodka as a joke).  He was just precious. 

I did stop crying and fell asleep off and on but rest assured this guy made sure my flight was not stressful.

Soon the Captain was saying that it almost time to land.  Guess who I found checking on me? Yep Carl.

He approached me, leaned down, and said " you have a great day." with a smile and a wink.
Then he leaned in closely and said....."Blessed are those who trust in the God of Israel."  I was taken back.  It was a sweet word spoken over me at a time most needed.  I patted him on the arm with a thank you.  As he walked a way, I was thinking I would not every see him again but what impression he had left.  A sweet kind thoughtful...I believe... a believer. 

Off the plane........walking to customs. When you are in the airport, people are constantly moving by you.  Pulling their bags.  I heard someone approaching from behind.  Then I feel someone brush right beside me.  It was Carl again.  He said hello with a smile.  Then ask my name. 

Laura.  Have a great day Laura and with a smile and my heart full....he walked on.

As I was thinking about what happened, still hurt over this mean girl, God began to speak to my heart.  I cannot say that my feelings were not hurt or my heart hurt.  I had been praying one thing but God had a better plan.  It was amazing how God used these two men to show His love.  It also made me aware that I need to be more alert to others that are hurting in my path.  We all need to be aware and alert to those around us that are hurting, grieving, crushed, suffering, tender, wounded.  They are out there but we just need to have our eyes, mind, and hearts open. 

1 John 3:18
Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth

Guatemala 2012

Last week was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. 

Guatemala 2012was great.
Most people would say that the time in the center was there favorite and even though I LOVED the children and the center.  I think what meant as much to me was the time spend to and from the center.  

Sunday night, Ron made the announcement that we would be riding 3 buses. 
1. Cynthia....for those that loved to sing.
2. Karina....for those that liked to visit but not as much as bus 1.
3. Ron.....for those that needed quiet.

I immediately knew what bus I wanted to get on.  Cynthia's BUS! Ron was soon taking back those words because he had not checked with Cynthia.  We would be assigned buses. :/

Monday morning was full of excitement.  The time had come that all of us had been waiting on....the work at the center.  We met in front of our hotel,  prayed, and wait....buses were to be loaded as first said!  Singing bus it would be for me!

This was the beginning of the church bus.  Remembering back the first day I sat by Chad.  He was put on the bus because there was not room on the other bus.  There was Rachel, Sarah, Alyssa, Julie, Cynthia, Matt, Claira Linda, Kelly Ann, Stephanie, Jenn, The Hensley's,  Ronda, Beth, Alejandra, Kealsy, Aunt Ruth, Shauna, Chad, and myself.  The ride to the center was full of chatter and visting.  We sang some of the Spanish songs that we had been trying to learn.  We did ok.  Hahaha! We were actually busy.  We were looking for the five "f's".
Freeway.  Forrest. Furniture. Farms. and Flowers.  Cynthia had made this up to help a previous group of teenagers make time pass faster. It worked on a group of ADD adults!  

Tuesday morning was my favorite.  We sang hymns, praise choruses, we worshiped. Scripture was read.  People gave testimonies.  Prayers were uttered.  It was a sweet sweet spirit.  ALL ON A BUS.  It was full of God's children who were not within the four wall of a beautiful building.  Felt no constraints.  Just a sweet time fellowshipping and worshipping with their brothers and sisters.

Our lives should be like this.  Free of worry. Free of  limitations. Just living a life that is God-centered, full of worship, and focused on HIM. Seems radical? 

Let's be different.  Lets stand out in a world that needs to see believers representing a wonderful, beautiful Savior and Lord that we worship.

I am not there yet. I am far from perfect but I want to live as I am on the church bus everyday of my life. Singing. Worshiping. Praying. Living for HIM.  Focused on Him. Encountering Him.

Catch up

I use to be so good at this. Blogging was my thing. I had followers. I had thoughts.  I wrote all the time.  Then it stopped.  
Recently I decided that it would be good for me to start again.  The blog is going to change a little.  It will not  just be about weight and getting healthy.  Its just life.  And so the writing begins.....

Wait I still have thoughts!

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

A new plan...or a different one

I had my mind set as I left for church. I would go to church, run sound, and sneak back to town for Popeye's. Yep...chicken strips. That is certainly not healthy. I had no plan to exercise or eat right tonight. I would cheat and skip. That was my plan.

But someone had a different plan. Yep. After church, I could not just slip away and head for my 3 piece strip with fries and a biscuit and oh the honey! Thomas had another plan that we...that's me and Michelle....had kinda sorta been putting off.

This plan has been in place for a while but we had not taken any action. The plan? Train with Thomas aka Bob aka the Marine who would give us no slack and would accept no excuses. (Michelle has named the people willing to "train" us new names according to Biggest Loser) Bob...Gillian.....Dulvette(?)

After church, we started our training. He SAID we would not really be working out...this coming from a ex-Marine. It wouldn't take 15 minutes and it didn't long but it was a workout. AND it was just what I needed.

Through the new workout, I found that feeling I remembered and love. I found I could focus again and enjoy working out. YEP....I like exercise and when I am enjoying it....I crave it. I crave it rather than food. I know I know sounds crazy but it is true. I remember a day when I would get up on a Sunday morning, go to the track, go back home, get ready for church, AND make it on time. That is dedication. HAHAHAHA

AND just in case you are I didn't stop for chicken.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

In this corner.....

My goal this week was to blog every day but I didn't because I got home late last night. Yes I watched THE game. The one everyone is talking about.

As I once again sit at the table, I don't know what to blog. I feel like I talk about the same things all the time. The fight. The weight loss. The fight. The sickness. But of course my mind is always thinking and going. And once again my mind has been every where. Thinking about the weight, the diet, the past, the future, life, friends, family, the people in my life, the people mind is constantly moving.


I really have negative thoughts. I really don't share that a lot or I try not to. I really don't want to be a negative person. I use to be a positive person at my highest weight. The big girl who made everyone laugh and smile. I honestly am not who I use to be and I don't like it. yeah...i said that before.

TO be completely honest....I really believe that I will always be a fat girl. That the fight is now over and the fat girl beat the skinny girl. I don't know how to fight it. I do good for a week. Eating right and exercising. Working to be healthy. Doing the right things just like I did before. Then this voice begins to rise up in my are fat. You cannot do this. You like food. You will always be fat. Even with all the support I get....the negative thoughts are still there. Because see this battle is mine. I can have family support and friends encouragement but its all up to me. I have to make the right choices and right decisions.

I fight a never ending battle.

I am very close to resigning to the fact that I am going to be a fat girl....always. :(

Sunday, January 8, 2012

The ins and outs of life!

Julie and Julia....have you watched that movie? I love that movie. If you haven't watched it I recommend it. It is about a women who is approaching thirty whose life is not where she wants it to be. She begins to blog, cooks 524 recipes in 365 days from Julia Child's cookbook. It transformed her life. OK so I am not going to cook through any cookbook but I am going to follow Julie's example and blog again.

Amazingly I have been blogging off and on since 2008! Who knew that! Not me! Lots of things have happened over the last 3 plus years. I look back over the previous blogs and there have been several ins and outs...changes.

People have come in and went out of my heart and life. People have come out of the blue and into my life and heart. Throughout these ins and outs...I still have that consistent support group.

Another change is that I moved into a new house! I love it. I moved out of Weston and into "town!" Hahaha! It is nice. Trash pickup is great except for the fact that is picked up at 4am every Thursday but no more putting in the car! I just have to remember to put it beside the street before Thursday morning! My mother reminds me often that I live on a street now and not the road. Yep I'm from the country.

The biggest change that has come about is the weight gain. Ugh I hate even discussing it but this is a blog about weight, change, and getting healthy. The subject cannot be avoided! I can remember when I first started losing weight(and had lost about 50 or so pounds) I began telling people how much I weighed with I started. I even blogged it. 438 pounds. yep...thats right. YOu can go back and read the original blog...or just take my word. I surely remember all that weight. People were astonished that I would tell that. My thoughts were always...and I told people...that I would never be that weight again. Don't worry I am not back there! THANK YOU JESUS. If I were my family would probably need to bury me.....I cannot even imagine being back there. BUT with that said...I am slowly or maybe not so slowly, I am creeping back there. It is has been one year, two months, and 4 day since the weight started back. I NEVER thought I would be back where I am.

I must mention that I was down to 268. Quickly do the math....I lost a 170 lbs. The weight was so heavy. Not only did it lift the weight burden from the outside but also from the inside. I loved myself. Yep. I really liked myself. Even though for some 268 is a still a big fat must think I was 438. So 268 was skinny... Just look at my pictures. I liked myself and I liked the looks, the attention, and the feeling good.

I miss all that! I don't feel good. I have more health problems that I did at 400 plus pounds....I don't like it. I don't fit in clothes and like it. I am big again...I don't like it. I worry about fitting places again...I don't like it. The fight is much harder now...I don't like it. I don't feel pretty....I don't like it. I lost my sparkle....I don't like that either. I get looks but not the good kind....dislike!

As I sit here at the kitchen table.....I am thinking how do I close this chapter. What do I say? Do I give myself a charge? Do I say what's next? Do I make promises to come back soon? I see only one way to end this blog entry.......

378....that's where I am now............................AND YES IT IS HEAVIER THAN THE 438.