Thursday, May 28, 2009

The Voices in my Head

I cannot describe not only how hard it is to lose weight but also to keep it off. I still have 152 pounds to go and it is hard.

Every thought or decision that I make deals with my weight loss. What to eat or not, exercise or not, what time to eat, how much exercise, too much too little, can I get away this or not, can't I just enjoy this one thing, what will the scales say. Weight encompasses your entire life.

Disappointment sets in.

I get so much negative talk and thoughts from myself.

I skipped Weight Watchers meetings for several weeks and Curves for a couple of weeks. Last week I hit the exercise circuit hard. Pushing myself to get to the new goal I have. 30 pounds by the first week of school which by the way is around my birthday. I want to be under 300 pounds by the time I am 35. So 299 by August 15th. I don't care who knows what I weigh. I don't want to go back and I don't want to stay here either!

So I worked so hard on the exercise. The food part is harder than the exercise. Cravings! It's so hard.

So I worked my tail off and went back to WW tonight. When I weighed in tonight, I had lost .8.
I felt the disappointment rising in me. I know I really lost 3.8 pounds. See I had gained 3 pounds while not working out. But the disappointment is still there. Funny thing is it makes me what to eat something naughty. The feelings creep up inside of me to say "I am going to throw my hands up and say I DON'T CARE I'M EATING IT. I'LL DEAL IT WITH IT TOMORROW."

I hate to hear life is hard. Yeah I know. It is hard. Life is hard. Dieting is hard. Waiting is hard. Staying on track is hard.

Sometimes I get tired of the fight. But then there is the voice that I hear say. Don't go backwards. Then I hear another voice say I am proud of you. Another You can do it. NO its not the voices in my head. At least not my own voice. It's Daniel, Mama, Jason, Susie, Abbie, Diana, my girls, Tina, Pennie, Janie, Chastity, Ms. Laura(WW), Michawn, Melissa....just to name a few......if I didn't name are just as important......oh it is so many familiar voices that love me and want me not only to succeed but to live. But more importantly it's the Holy Spirit's voice saying I with Me.....Rely on Me.

It is hard. And you know the reality. It's never going to be easy. Now or when I reach goal. Not going to be easy. But I am glad to know that I have a huge support group whispering in my ear telling me to keep moving toward the goal to be the best that God has designed me to be.

299 hear I come by August 15!

Monday, May 25, 2009

Never get a second chance to make a first impression

It's been a while since I wrote. Life has been kinda been stinkin' boring the last month.

I have been really thinking about writing again but really couldn't think of anything worth writing about. Then yesterday my mind was running with thoughts while getting ready for church.

The thoughts started while washing my hair; thinking about if I should wear it curly or straight. Then I thought should I wear my brown skirt or new cute white shirt. I struggle every time I go somewhere with what to wear. I usually go through several outfits before settling on something. I try to pick out the night before but sometimes I have to try on numerous things before I can get out the door.

My thoughts of how to look to get out the door turned into thoughts about first impressions. As a single girl this is very important. I have to walk out the door looking like I am ready to go meet my prince. What if I look like I just rolled out of bed? Not a good impression. For the last few days, I have been getting up, bathing, fixing hair enough to get out the door, putting on clothes to exercise in. Least to say...not too impressive. Functional!

For people that have known me, you have loved me and didn't care my size. You loved me for me.
I am so glad to have friends in my life that don't look at the outward appearance that look at my heart. Those are the people who matter. Those people can see the change I've been through. Those are the people who will be invited to the party.For all the others...

Unless you have been extremely obese, you might not understand this. But when you are overweight the looks that you get from people are astounding. They may have not said anything but I could imagine what they were saying with their eyes. Up and down looks. Wondering how I could have gotten to that point. I don't really get those looks that say pathetic as much. But I still wonder about what people are thinking of me even at the overweight size I am now. Sometimes it makes me what to scream to just don't know! I would love to wear a T-shirt that has a before and after picture.

Sometimes I feel the need to show my picture of before and after to people who didn't know me before. A couple of months ago some friends of mine got together with some friends of theirs and we all ended being friends. This new guy and I became instant friends laughing and cutting up. After we had been out for a while, I felt that need to show him my picture. He told me he didn't need see my picture that I was beautiful the way I was. Oh my. (He was a playa!)

But you know he was right. I've been beautiful for a long time. Even before he recognized it.

Since I can remember 1 Samuel 16:7 has been my favorite verse.

1 Samuel 16:7 (New International Version)
7 But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."

First impressions are largely based on the outward appearance. Like it or not that is society. I know that I will still worry about making a good first impression based on the outward appearance but I pray that my heart will show through and that is what people will walk away saying she is a beautiful person because of that.