I am enough...I not meaning me!

"We don't want to fall. We want to see great testimonies of Gods grace but we don't want to be the testimonies."

I don't cry much.  I usually save it for one big episode and let it all go at one time.  I usually make up some excuse that I am tired.

Yesterday I was very tired. So I had a big ugly cry. 

So many things racing through my mind and my heart.

I had a long overdue conversation that was emotional.
People all around me mourning a great lost.
In a quiet season of my life.
Harsh words from a friend that still linger and hurt.
Feeling physically sick.  
Facing changes. 
There is a strained friendship.
All of this overwhelmed me.

All this I try to hide well.

But I was really stressing over a lot and felt like I would burst.  I could no longer hold it in and tears began to flow. I said out loud.
"Hey I'm having a moment. A cry moment."  I think they were both surprised. They listened to my woes and gave me advice, took my side, and said things to make me feel better.  But that is not what made the difference. What happened next did. 

As we getting ready to walk out the door, one of the ladies picked up her two new devotional books and told us about how good they were.  I cannot even tell you the name of  either one of them.  She picked up one of the books and began to read.
God has a way of showing up.
  I am enough....here is what she read....

I had a long overdue conversation that was emotional....The coming season will be extraordinary and filled with delight.

People all around me mourning a great lost and there are no words.....When darkness comes, I am enough to see you through the night.

In a quiet season of my life....When you are lonely and seek companionship, I am enough.

Harsh words from a friend that still linger and hurt...When the lies men have spoken bring disturbance into your mind, I will wash them away, for My Word is enough. 

Feeling physically sick....I am enough, I will be your wrap around shield in the midst of your difficulty. 

Questions about timing...What looks like delay after delay will make sense to you as the clouds part and the light of glory shines through.

Facing changes...I am about to bring you into a place where you have never been before.

There is a strained friendship....When your heart is troubled over many things, you must bring your soul before Me, for I am enough. 

Overwhelmed...You must know, My Child, that I am enough.  

I am thankful that HE is enough and he shows up at the exact moment to remind me that HE is enough.  
 

Whatever you are facing ....He is saying to you....I am enough!
How great you are, Sovereign Lord! There is no one like you, and there is no God but you, as we have heard with our own ears. 
1 Samuel 7:22

King of My Heart

I spoke at a ladies conference in October of this year.  God used that opportunity to continue to help heal me spiritually and physically.  

This is the testimony I gave that day.  

 Isaiah 26:3 You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord himself, is the Rock eternal.  

The last few weeks as I've been thinking and praying about what to say and the song KING OF MY HEART has been on my mind.  It's been on the radio I think every morning and every afternoon on my way to and from school.  The words say. "You are bigger than any battle I'm facing. Bigger than any thing I've been chasing.   These words really spoke to me. "

 KING OF MY HEART 

Over the last 4 years I've faced a battle that I couldn't handle.  I've had some really bad times.  Times I didn't want to get up out of bed.  I didn't want to face people.  I wanted to give up. Very low times.  

I stand today to tell you that but even in the darkest times God was there.  I couldn't handle it but with Him I can! He was fighting for me and still is.  He has surrounded me with friends and family that love me and lift me up.  Ministered through scripture that friends shared. He was there.  Through people that didn't even know they were helping.  He used times of worship and the Word to speak to me.  He was there.  He was there sometimes whispering other times shouting at me...I've got you.  

The song says He is bigger than any battle I face. But It also says that he is our hope.  Philippians 4:4-6 says Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  

It would seem strange that a man in prison would be telling us to rejoice. But Paul's attitude teaches a big lesson.  OUR INNER ATTITUDES DO NOT HAVE TO REFLECT OUR OUTER CIRCUMSTANCES. Paul was full of joy because he knew that Jesus Christ was with him. It is so easy to get wrapped up in our circumstances and be discouraged. But we have a Savior who has fought for us and will continue to fight for us. 

Lift up your head God our fighter is on our side Christians!   Trust Him.  Psalm 20:7 says some trust in chariots, some in horses, but WE trust in the name of The Lord our God.  

Side-note:

After I spoke that day, a sweet lady called on  pray for me.  The ladies gathered around, laid hands on me and I was anointed with oil.     Hearing the voices of the ladies praying for me was amazing.  They prayed for courage, faith, strength, and healing.  They thanked God for who I am and how he made me. I felt the strong presence of the Lord surround me and fill me. I am thankful for those ladies, most of them whom I didn't know, for praying for me and lifting me up!  It is a day I will not forget. OH what a blessing!

Love --- don't use the word lightly.

This is therapy.

Love from a distance. A friend once told me this.  Yes she did. She had decided to love me from a distance.

My first thoughts...Really? What the heck does that mean!? Are you crazy cra?

Let's break it down.

What does love mean?

an intense feeling of deep affection

What does distance mean?

make (someone or something) far off or remote in position or nature.

So love from a distance means

To have a far off remote intense feeling of deep affection for someone.

That's just..... well crap. I have worried and thought over this until I'm done.  It got me ...nowhere.  

I have been thinking more about what love is. 

What is love? What does the Bible say? 1 Corinthians 13

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸ Love never fails. 

What love looks like....

 listening to a friend vent. 

laughing over something silly. 

encouraging a friend to keep fighting.

a text just to say hi. 

a sweet smile when words are not needed. 

when a child tells you...you look pretty. 

sharing your lunch.

holding your hand when you are sick. 

getting mail that is not a bill. 

giving a tissue. 

a hug.

One of my students tells me every day that he loves me.  He usually tells me more than one time during the day. The conversation usually goes like this.

Ms. Laura Lea 

Yes

I love you.

I love you too.  

Ms. Laura Lea I love you to your heart.

I love you to your heart too.

Ms. Laura Lea I love you  from your head to your toes. 

I love you from your head to your toes.

Ms. Laura Lea, I love you to the moon and back

I love you to the moon and back.  

That's love but there is a greater love..................The LOVE OF JESUS!  

  

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16

For God so loved ME, Laura Lea, Lala that He gave His one and only son that if I, Laura Lea believes in him I will not perish but will have everlasting life! John 3:16

Now that is love. 

It's been a day and a half....

It's been a day and a half....ok it's really been more like forever since I blogged. But it has been a day and a half since I decided to start again.   You know getting healthy.  Getting back on track. Dieting.  Changing my lifestyle.  I want to be skinny. We all know the lingo.  We know the talk.  How you say it really don't matter ... the struggles are  real.  

Oh the struggles.  How many times can I start again? Start on Monday, cheat by Tuesday, wait for another Monday. Oh it's Monday.  I need to get to the grocery store.  I need to drink water. I need to weigh. I need to get to the gym.  It's Tuesday...I'm overwhelmed.  Monday again...I really don't feel like starting this week. I'll wait until next Monday.....oh the struggle. 


Yesterday was Monday.  I started again.  I did ok. Better than last Monday.  This Monday I started to the gym again. That was to say  the least was...AWFUL.  I finally made it after school.  Way after school.  I did everything I could first but I knew I had to go.  I had to start. The worse part? Trying to get my shoes on in the bathroom.  Trying to get my shoes and socks on in the bathroom was a much exercise as walking on the treadmill.   I need room to get ready and more than a little stool to sit on.  I finally got them on and I was out of breath.  I made it to the treadmill.  I couldn't get the headphones to work. I tried and tried.  Finally they worked. YES!  I started walking slowly but walking...then they stopped. I had to have sound to hear what Dr. Oz had to say.  Oops..if you hit the red button that says stop.. the treadmill WILL stop and so will you.  That was almost a tragedy.  Time to change treadmills.  Moved to the next one. Sound - check.  Time set - check.  Weight - Check.  Age - Check.  Here I go... 2 and 1/2 minutes in. My feet hurt. I can't breath.  I sound like I a herd of elephants stomping through a forest.  I think I might need to stop.  Oh stopping would be easy.  But I faintly hear that voice. "Don't give up."  That voice that I use to know.  The one that never gave up or gave in and pushed through all the struggles to be healthy, skinny. and fit.  The hard headed woman that could not be told she couldn't do it.  Oh she is there.  Just buried deep inside for a bit.  She's coming back.  I heard that voice saying FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT.  Slowly but surely I made it through.  I walked 20 total minutes.  I didn't give up.  

Today is Tuesday...I haven't cheated, I haven't given up, and I'm going back to the gym all the while hearing 
FIGHT
FIGHT. 
FIGHT

                                                                   

How I feel on the inside!

What I look like after exercise! 

Mean girls

I am laying here trying to decide what to write about and the one thing I keep coming back is MEAN GIRL. 

After a wonderful week in Guatemala, I was on cloud 9. What a wonderful week we had.  Loving on children.  Fellowship with believers.  Learning more about ourselves.  And growing with my Lord.  But it doesn't take long for someone to enter into your life and jump on your cloud.

I always wonder who I will sit by on a plane. I actually worry because of my size and the size of the seats. This is a big girl worry.  I pray that it is someone I can talk with, minister to, and feel comfortable with.  Someone who doesn't mind sitting by the big girl who may take up part of their seat.  The flight to GUA was great. I sat on the aisle beside a young lady also traveling to do mission work.  It was a nice flight.

Fast forward a week.   I again started praying about who I would sit by.   The worry was there again. 

21E.  I had a middle seat. NOT GOOD. 

As I entered the plane, I ask for a seat belt extender.  The steward as me what seat. When I replied, he said oh best seat on the plane.  HOW funny.  Eased up my nerve some.  I moved toward my seat anticipating who I would sit by.  There by the window was a sweet man. I received a sweet smile as I sat down.

We waited for a while for our third neighbor to arrive.  At the last minute, a lady approached my row.  She looked at me.  She just didn't look at me she eyed me. 

Carl the steward approaches.  This is our the conversation went.

I don't mean to be rude but I can't sit here.
Carl: Excuse me.
HER......While looking at me....I don't mean to be rude but I cannot sit here.  I need to put my arm rest down. And I cannot sit here.  I'm not trying to be rude.  But it is a 3 hour flight.

I started trying to get the arm rest down but she wouldn't have it. 
Carl showed her an empty seat two rows in front of us beside one of my friends.  I said I can go up there. I know here.  Carl insisted I stay where I was.  He said I would be fine.  It was ok. 

I leaned up to Stephanie...that was mean. Stephanie said...I can hit her on the head if you need me to....No. We were ready to get home. We didn't need to get kicked off the plane.

Carl seated her then came back to bring the extender and to see about me.  TOO LATE. The tears had started flowing.

Not only were there tears...there was snot, snubbing, and shaking.  I was so upset.  Never had I been so humiliated  in my whole life. 

Carl told me it was going to be ok.  Ask me if I need anything and after a list of things we settled on a Kleenex.  He brought the entire box.  

I thought I would never stop crying.  It hurt so bad.  My chest felt like it would explode.  I cannot imagine someone being so mean.  See if I live in a world where people love me and care about me.  They care about me but don't see my weight and even if they do...they don't show it.

The crying would not stop.  I was praying God help me when suddenly I felt arms reach around me from behind.  It was the best feeling. Someone was there when my heart was hurting so bad.  A sweet voice whispered to me that is was ok, I was loved, and that if I needed it anything he was sitting close behind me.  It was one of the men on our trip.  He had been a gentile giant the entire trip. Holding hands to get on the trucks, getting our bagging, making sure our small group walked together to the hotel, giving a hand to come down the steps.  And now he was there again to love on me when I really needed it.  Thank you God for a man like James who didn't care about what people thought just that someone was hurting.  My heart eased up and my crying slowed down.  I couldn't cry the whole flight. 

This was a 4 hour flight.  Carl.  Remember him?  He's still in the picture.  He came by me more times that I could count. He smiled at me, made conversation, insisted that I have a drink(even suggested Vodka as a joke).  He was just precious. 

I did stop crying and fell asleep off and on but rest assured this guy made sure my flight was not stressful.

Soon the Captain was saying that it almost time to land.  Guess who I found checking on me? Yep Carl.

He approached me, leaned down, and said " you have a great day." with a smile and a wink.
Then he leaned in closely and said....."Blessed are those who trust in the God of Israel."  I was taken back.  It was a sweet word spoken over me at a time most needed.  I patted him on the arm with a thank you.  As he walked a way, I was thinking I would not every see him again but what impression he had left.  A sweet kind thoughtful...I believe... a believer. 

Off the plane........walking to customs. When you are in the airport, people are constantly moving by you.  Pulling their bags.  I heard someone approaching from behind.  Then I feel someone brush right beside me.  It was Carl again.  He said hello with a smile.  Then ask my name. 

Laura.  Have a great day Laura and with a smile and my heart full....he walked on.

As I was thinking about what happened, still hurt over this mean girl, God began to speak to my heart.  I cannot say that my feelings were not hurt or my heart hurt.  I had been praying one thing but God had a better plan.  It was amazing how God used these two men to show His love.  It also made me aware that I need to be more alert to others that are hurting in my path.  We all need to be aware and alert to those around us that are hurting, grieving, crushed, suffering, tender, wounded.  They are out there but we just need to have our eyes, mind, and hearts open. 

1 John 3:18
Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth

Guatemala 2012

Last week was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. 


Guatemala 2012was great.
Most people would say that the time in the center was there favorite and even though I LOVED the children and the center.  I think what meant as much to me was the time spend to and from the center.  

Sunday night, Ron made the announcement that we would be riding 3 buses. 
1. Cynthia....for those that loved to sing.
2. Karina....for those that liked to visit but not as much as bus 1.
and
3. Ron.....for those that needed quiet.

I immediately knew what bus I wanted to get on.  Cynthia's BUS! Ron was soon taking back those words because he had not checked with Cynthia.  We would be assigned buses. :/

Monday morning was full of excitement.  The time had come that all of us had been waiting on....the work at the center.  We met in front of our hotel,  prayed, and wait....buses were to be loaded as first said!  Singing bus it would be for me!

This was the beginning of the church bus.  Remembering back the first day I sat by Chad.  He was put on the bus because there was not room on the other bus.  There was Rachel, Sarah, Alyssa, Julie, Cynthia, Matt, Claira Linda, Kelly Ann, Stephanie, Jenn, The Hensley's,  Ronda, Beth, Alejandra, Kealsy, Aunt Ruth, Shauna, Chad, and myself.  The ride to the center was full of chatter and visting.  We sang some of the Spanish songs that we had been trying to learn.  We did ok.  Hahaha! We were actually busy.  We were looking for the five "f's".
Freeway.  Forrest. Furniture. Farms. and Flowers.  Cynthia had made this up to help a previous group of teenagers make time pass faster. It worked on a group of ADD adults!  

Tuesday morning was my favorite.  We sang hymns, praise choruses, we worshiped. Scripture was read.  People gave testimonies.  Prayers were uttered.  It was a sweet sweet spirit.  ALL ON A BUS.  It was full of God's children who were not within the four wall of a beautiful building.  Felt no constraints.  Just a sweet time fellowshipping and worshipping with their brothers and sisters.

Our lives should be like this.  Free of worry. Free of  limitations. Just living a life that is God-centered, full of worship, and focused on HIM. Seems radical? 

Let's be different.  Lets stand out in a world that needs to see believers representing a wonderful, beautiful Savior and Lord that we worship.

I am not there yet. I am far from perfect but I want to live as I am on the church bus everyday of my life. Singing. Worshiping. Praying. Living for HIM.  Focused on Him. Encountering Him.

Catch up

I use to be so good at this. Blogging was my thing. I had followers. I had thoughts.  I wrote all the time.  Then it stopped.  
Recently I decided that it would be good for me to start again.  The blog is going to change a little.  It will not  just be about weight and getting healthy.  Its just life.  And so the writing begins.....


Wait I still have thoughts!