Monday, May 24, 2010

Smelly nasty yucky

The last month has been difficult for me. I have many ups and downs and struggles!
Here's just a couple of things that I really battled with....
Patience. I have always been patient with children but not so much with adults. I am working on it. I want things right now, don't me wait for long. If you have been around me very long, you will hear me say "_____ is on my last nerve." So often this is true. I have heard a lot of people say don't pray for patience because you will get the opportunity to learn them. I have to learn to wait. Waiting is never fun.

Focus. Really my focus has been off. I cannot stay focused on anything for very long. I told a colleague recently I just don't listen. I don't. People can talk to me and I have no idea what they said. I'm certainly not trying to be mean. I just don't listen because I am focused on something or someone else. It hurts feelings. I've always been a pretty good listener. I know what the problem is.....I have to focus on other people and not myself.

Attitude . I want to quit. Quit what? Everything. I felt like I good throw up my hands and say loudly! I QUIT! I don't care what you say but I just quit. This has off and on been my attitude. It was a really smell bad attitude that came across in certain relationships, responsibilities, and my diet. It was like I was tired of trying! I don't care if you are my friend, I don't care if it gets done, and I'm tired of eating right. I had a really sorry attitude.

To be completely honest with myself and my readers, I hate to admit any of these things. I want to be strong, pull through and be happy. In fact, I've been thinking about a quote I found on thinkexist. "I want to be remembered as the girl who always smiles when her heart is broken, and the one that could brighten up your day even when she couldn't brighten up her own." I've read that over and over and the more I think about it...I don't want to be that girl. I don't want to fake it. I want to be open about having a bad day and move on. I want brighten people with my smile but I also want people to know that life is not always a mountain top experience. Oh I have joy but I also have some days when I have silly thoughts almost crazy thoughts that bring me down. And I have to believe that I am not the only person that has days like that.

Trying to close this post was difficult. The best way for me to close is with my new favorite song....Sanctus Real...Change Me. It ended up on my MP3 player by divine appointment. Now I listen to it over and over. Here are the words:

And did my words change your mind
with what I said last night?
And did I break your heart by straying so far?
For what you had in mind for my life?
Won't you change me from who I've been lately
Cause I know I'm nothing without you!

Here's my favorite part!
So would you speak to me and show me what I need
Is it patience? Kindness? All that is in between?
Loving others the way you love me?
Won't you change me from who I've been lately
Cause I know I'm nothing without you!

Going to be quiet and listen for Him to speak to me in what I need.

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