Thursday, May 28, 2009

The Voices in my Head

I cannot describe not only how hard it is to lose weight but also to keep it off. I still have 152 pounds to go and it is hard.

Every thought or decision that I make deals with my weight loss. What to eat or not, exercise or not, what time to eat, how much exercise, too much too little, can I get away this or not, can't I just enjoy this one thing, what will the scales say. Weight encompasses your entire life.

Disappointment sets in.

I get so much negative talk and thoughts from myself.

I skipped Weight Watchers meetings for several weeks and Curves for a couple of weeks. Last week I hit the exercise circuit hard. Pushing myself to get to the new goal I have. 30 pounds by the first week of school which by the way is around my birthday. I want to be under 300 pounds by the time I am 35. So 299 by August 15th. I don't care who knows what I weigh. I don't want to go back and I don't want to stay here either!

So I worked so hard on the exercise. The food part is harder than the exercise. Cravings! It's so hard.

So I worked my tail off and went back to WW tonight. When I weighed in tonight, I had lost .8.
I felt the disappointment rising in me. I know I really lost 3.8 pounds. See I had gained 3 pounds while not working out. But the disappointment is still there. Funny thing is it makes me what to eat something naughty. The feelings creep up inside of me to say "I am going to throw my hands up and say I DON'T CARE I'M EATING IT. I'LL DEAL IT WITH IT TOMORROW."

I hate to hear life is hard. Yeah I know. It is hard. Life is hard. Dieting is hard. Waiting is hard. Staying on track is hard.

Sometimes I get tired of the fight. But then there is the voice that I hear say. Don't go backwards. Then I hear another voice say I am proud of you. Another You can do it. NO its not the voices in my head. At least not my own voice. It's Daniel, Mama, Jason, Susie, Abbie, Diana, my girls, Tina, Pennie, Janie, Chastity, Ms. Laura(WW), Michawn, Melissa....just to name a few......if I didn't name are just as important......oh it is so many familiar voices that love me and want me not only to succeed but to live. But more importantly it's the Holy Spirit's voice saying I with Me.....Rely on Me.

It is hard. And you know the reality. It's never going to be easy. Now or when I reach goal. Not going to be easy. But I am glad to know that I have a huge support group whispering in my ear telling me to keep moving toward the goal to be the best that God has designed me to be.

299 hear I come by August 15!


Melissa said...

wanna know something???

you can do it. :)

Also, I have found some AWESOME foods for those cravings chickie. Me and a girl at work just got some Vitatops. Oh. My. Have you tried those?
I have also found some kick bootie ice cream treats that are 1 and 2 points that are fantastic.
In fact, I have reviewed a couple of them on my blog, so I'll e-mail you the link right now.

love you lots and you can SOOOO do this. And you can't give up now. You have a 5K to complete with me in October and we are kicking last year's time in the butt so you'd better get ready now. On that note, we've gotten together a pretty big group of walkers at the mill and we walk every day at 12 if you wanna join us. We have it set up so that you can stop at any distance you want since it's so hot. There are quite a few of us who go and you'd fit in great! Also, one of the ladies and myself are thinking about going inside for a couple of days a week at 12 and doing some exercise videos. I just got one that they do on the Biggest Loser, but I haven't tried it yet. We are either going to do that or step aerobics with the Wii.
Let me know if you wanna join us!!

Melissa said...

and by the way, if you can't hear my loud voice over those others in your head, then something MUST be wrong. :)