The old me looking for the new

A new plan...or a different one

2012-01-11T19:02:00.000-08:00

I had my mind set as I left for church. I would go to church, run sound, and sneak back to town for Popeye's. Yep...chicken strips. That is certainly not healthy. I had no plan to exercise or eat right tonight. I would cheat and skip. That was my plan.

But someone had a different plan. Yep. After church, I could not just slip away and head for my 3 piece strip with fries and a biscuit and oh the honey! Thomas had another plan that we...that's me and Michelle....had kinda sorta been putting off.

This plan has been in place for a while but we had not taken any action. The plan? Train with Thomas aka Bob aka the Marine who would give us no slack and would accept no excuses. (Michelle has named the people willing to "train" us new names according to Biggest Loser) Bob...Gillian.....Dulvette(?)

After church, we started our training. He SAID we would not really be working out...this coming from a ex-Marine. It wouldn't take 15 minutes and it didn't long but it was a workout. AND it was just what I needed.

Through the new workout, I found that feeling I remembered and love. I found I could focus again and enjoy working out. YEP....I like exercise and when I am enjoying it....I crave it. I crave it rather than food. I know I know sounds crazy but it is true. I remember a day when I would get up on a Sunday morning, go to the track, go back home, get ready for church, AND make it on time. That is dedication. HAHAHAHA

AND just in case you are wondering....no I didn't stop for chicken.

In this corner.....

2012-01-10T18:01:00.000-08:00

My goal this week was to blog every day but I didn't because I got home late last night. Yes I watched THE game. The one everyone is talking about.

As I once again sit at the table, I don't know what to blog. I feel like I talk about the same things all the time. The fight. The weight loss. The fight. The sickness. But of course my mind is always thinking and going. And once again my mind has been every where. Thinking about the weight, the diet, the past, the future, life, friends, family, the people in my life, the people out..........my mind is constantly moving.

Negatively.

I really have negative thoughts. I really don't share that a lot or I try not to. I really don't want to be a negative person. I use to be a positive person at my highest weight. The big girl who made everyone laugh and smile. I honestly am not who I use to be and I don't like it. yeah...i said that before.

TO be completely honest....I really believe that I will always be a fat girl. That the fight is now over and the fat girl beat the skinny girl. I don't know how to fight it. I do good for a week. Eating right and exercising. Working to be healthy. Doing the right things just like I did before. Then this voice begins to rise up in my head....you are fat. You cannot do this. You like food. You will always be fat. Even with all the support I get....the negative thoughts are still there. Because see this battle is mine. I can have family support and friends encouragement but its all up to me. I have to make the right choices and right decisions.

I fight a never ending battle.

I am very close to resigning to the fact that I am going to be a fat girl....always. :(

The ins and outs of life!

2012-01-08T18:43:00.002-08:00

Julie and Julia....have you watched that movie? I love that movie. If you haven't watched it I recommend it. It is about a women who is approaching thirty whose life is not where she wants it to be. She begins to blog, cooks 524 recipes in 365 days from Julia Child's cookbook. It transformed her life. OK so I am not going to cook through any cookbook but I am going to follow Julie's example and blog again.

Amazingly I have been blogging off and on since 2008! Who knew that! Not me! Lots of things have happened over the last 3 plus years. I look back over the previous blogs and there have been several ins and outs...changes.

People have come in and went out of my heart and life. People have come out of the blue and into my life and heart. Throughout these ins and outs...I still have that consistent support group.

Another change is that I moved into a new house! I love it. I moved out of Weston and into "town!" Hahaha! It is nice. Trash pickup is great except for the fact that is picked up at 4am every Thursday but no more putting in the car! I just have to remember to put it beside the street before Thursday morning! My mother reminds me often that I live on a street now and not the road. Yep I'm from the country.

The biggest change that has come about is the weight gain. Ugh I hate even discussing it but this is a blog about weight, change, and getting healthy. The subject cannot be avoided! I can remember when I first started losing weight(and had lost about 50 or so pounds) I began telling people how much I weighed with I started. I even blogged it. 438 pounds. yep...thats right. YOu can go back and read the original blog...or just take my word. I surely remember all that weight. People were astonished that I would tell that. My thoughts were always...and I told people...that I would never be that weight again. Don't worry I am not back there! THANK YOU JESUS. If I were my family would probably need to bury me.....I cannot even imagine being back there. BUT with that said...I am slowly or maybe not so slowly, I am creeping back there. It is has been one year, two months, and 4 day since the weight started back. I NEVER thought I would be back where I am.

I must mention that I was down to 268. Quickly do the math....I lost a 170 lbs. The weight was so heavy. Not only did it lift the weight burden from the outside but also from the inside. I loved myself. Yep. I really liked myself. Even though for some 268 is a still a big fat girl...you must think I was 438. So 268 was skinny... Just look at my pictures. I liked myself and I liked the looks, the attention, and the feeling good.

I miss all that! I don't feel good. I have more health problems that I did at 400 plus pounds....I don't like it. I don't fit in clothes and like it. I am big again...I don't like it. I worry about fitting places again...I don't like it. The fight is much harder now...I don't like it. I don't feel pretty....I don't like it. I lost my sparkle....I don't like that either. I get looks but not the good kind....dislike!

As I sit here at the kitchen table.....I am thinking how do I close this chapter. What do I say? Do I give myself a charge? Do I say what's next? Do I make promises to come back soon? I see only one way to end this blog entry.......

378....that's where I am now............................AND YES IT IS HEAVIER THAN THE 438.

News Flash

2011-08-05T22:05:00.000-07:00

Today was my regularly scheduled every 3 month dreaded appointment in Shreveport with my rheumatologist. Today I left smiling. I saw my physician's assistant as usual. First she talks to me. Then she squeezes my fingers, hands, toes, and feet. Then she makes(I guess leads) me to do circular motions checking my ankles, knees, arms, and shoulders.

The news? She said I was doing very good. Improving greatly! She said no swelling in fingers and toes. (I still have one bad toe and one bad finger ha ha) She was impressed with how I could rotate my arms, shoulders, ankles, and leg. She said I was improving enough that I can wait 4 months to come back AND after that if I am still improving I don't have to go back for 6 months! I've come a long way since May!

One of the ladies working in the office said....I remember when you were here a few months ago. You were scared to death and worried about taking shots. Now look how good you look!

I have been excited all day. I feel so much better and now the doctor confirms it! Tonight on the way home, I had the radio really loud, singing to the top of my lungs!! Something I haven't done in a long time. Here's what I was singing......

This is the first day of the rest of your life
This is the first day of the rest of your life
'Cause even in the dark you can still see the light
It's gonna be alright s´gonna be alright

Another one of Matt Maher's songs that I'm obsessed!

I am so proud

2011-08-04T16:05:00.001-07:00

I was having a conversation with sweet niece who loves her Aunt Laura very much. We were talking about her night at a friend's house. I was asking the questions about who was there, what they did and of course how late they stayed up. I stayed up to 1:30 or 2:00. Some were already asleep but she was still awake....then she said...her friend turned on the TV to watch Family Guy but she told her friends she was not allowed to watch that show.

I was SO PROUD! I wish I had that. You know that gutsy, stand up for what is right sense of morality! She is 9. How many times as adults do we laugh at that joke, watch something we shouldn't, or talk about someone we shouldn't or not stop someone from talking about someone? I am guilty!

I learned a great lesson from a 9 year old.

By the way, they turned it and watched something else!

I needed my glasses

2011-08-03T21:47:00.000-07:00

The other day I was on my way home from Lafayette and had forgotten my sunglasses in Jason and Leah's vehicle. So we decided to meet at a convenient and get my glasses. I needed my sunglasses!

Mother has to have her 3 pm coffee everyday! I was going in to get a drink and a candy bar so I would see if they had coffee. But mother decided to get out. Slam went the door and in stayed the keys and our cell phones. OH SHOOT!

The people in the store were really nice. They called the local pd. NO answer. Called the parish pd. NO answer. Again...no answer. Again....no answer.

Jason and Leah arrive. They go back to the little town before to see if the deputy could help. He couldn't come into another parish and had no tool to use!

Back at the store after an hour of calling again and again....called pd finally got someone. No one on duty in the local town. The parish finally answered had 4 officers who were all busy and only one had the tool. BUT they good call pop a lock...without asking me!

Meanwhile Leah was calling a friend to see if he could do anything. No success.

All this time I am going in and out of the store. The girl working in the store and I talked back and forth as I was in and out of the liquor store! I forgot to mention this store is a major intersection for alcohol traffic. People in and out buying their evening loot. People of all kind of race, sex, jobs. I saw a lot. One guy even offered to help us open it with his big dozier. I declined!

Finally we called pop a lock, after no police officer was to be found anywhere, after Jason scratched my truck up using a hanger, after staying in the parking lot for over an hour.

Conversation with pop a lock guy
Me....I need you to open my truck.
Him...where are you
me....at the store.
Him.....is someone working on it.
me...yes but he cannot get it open
him....let him work on it some more and then call me back because it is about 10 miles there.
me...really. hold on. jason are you going to get it open. you better come on

REALLY...i called you! You say keep trying to get it open!

I went back in the store to tell me the girl pop a lock was coming. She says I really need to get back in church. I was shocked. Where did this come from? I said that would be good. It was a short conversation because someone else was waiting to buy their alcohol.

The pop a lock guy came in a few minutes. Doors open. On our way.

I started telling Mother about what the girl says. I couldn't imagine why she would say she needed back in church. There was no talk of Jesus, God, church, anything religious.

After driving awhile, I realized why she had said it. I had on a softball shirt from the Grace softball team. (GO Pro-Zack). A shirt. A shirt! She was reminded where she was in her relationship with Jesus by the shirt I was wearing. WOW.

The verse on the shirt...

Ephesians 2:8(NIV) For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—

Divine appointments

2011-08-02T22:25:00.000-07:00

You know how you when you were a kid, teachers always ask you and made you write, tell, or draw a picture about what you did over summer vacation. Well, I'm going to share what I did over my summer vacation.
I'm not sure you are ready for this.
1. End of May...I started taking shots for my arthritis. I was devastated. Cried and cried. It was so overwhelming.
2. Blow out in Shreveport. Cried. Cost a lot to get it fixed. Financially I was struggling because of doctor bills and focusing on the circumstances instead of everyday activities which helped me get behind.
3. Truck breaks down in Shreveport same day as blow-out and started taking shots. It was a horrible day! It was my alternator.
4. Starting feel sick the day before school was out. Stayed sick for 2 before going to Dr. to find out I had an ulcer...I'm sure from all the worrying over #1......wait!
5. ER trip during VBS because I was horribly sick. Not an ulcer.
6. One week later....gall bladder out. Surgery. Not a good patient but wanted to be. :) ask my friends.
7. Flat tire.
8. Let down by people.
9. Locked my keys in my truck in the heat! No one to come help! Crazy folks. Paid pop-a-lock.
10. Someone bumped my truck...got a little scratch and dent.
11. oh yeah no fairy tale.
Oh yeah it was a great summer. bahahaha!

It's all good! OK so at the beginning of the summer I cried, cried, and cried at every little thing that happened. This list really happened in the order I wrote it. As the summer has passed by my attitude has improved. I'm still working on the positive attitude! But hey I didn't cry for a few of the last things that happened. I'm growing up because I did not even cry when I had my truck bumped into.

I would like everyone to know I am improving and getting better! The shots are helping much more than I could have realized. I am almost off some of my daily medicines. My hair is growing and not falling out. (medicine side affect) This was a big deal. :/ My truck is fixed. The tires are good. My brother was there to help. Someone else was there to help me with the flat. I didn't have an ulcer. Since having my gall bladder out, I am feeling much better. My mother and my friends took care of me after surgery. Groceries, gifts, cooking, babysitting me, prayers and blessings galore! I know who my true stick with you through thick and thing friends are. We made it home safe and Jason was there to help through locking my keys in my truck. The guy who bumped my truck...we are now friends.

I know some may not understand but I found that I couldn't not be upset with the guy who hit my truck. He was so upset and sorrowful. Yes there is slight damage and he is going to pay to have it fixed but I simple could not be mad. I'm a softy I guess. ;) Looks like grace showed up after a long summer of doubts and let downs for me. THESE ARE NOT MY WORDS BUT I COULD NOT HAVE PUT IT BETTER!

"Today had all the legitimate means to be a bad day...but it was a good day!! What was the difference?? God showed up! As He always does in my darkest moments! Thing is...He's always there...it's just that the Light is most visible in the darkness! Lately I've allowed life's hurts, habits, and hang-ups to blind me with "self-light" (pride, anger, arrogance, selfishness, impatience)...And God shut me down!!...and today blessed me thru a stranger...who I in turn blessed with "PATIENCE" of all things!! You know...You just can't see God's light in Him or others if you are shining a light upon yourself! Thank you Lord for my bad day!! : )"

I was that stranger....

Its been since Sunday.....

2011-08-02T21:59:00.000-07:00

Its been Sunday since I wrote mainly because I don't know where to go to next. I wish I could say that after a diagnosis and medicine it go better. That I picked myself up by my boot straps and headed back down that road of weight loss. Nope I didn't. Here I am 10 months short of 2 days...October 4th is the day that I feel like it all changed.....and I am 100 pounds back toward 438 lbs. I am not there yet but I have gained 100 pounds back of the 170 I lost. People are so kind to say you don't look like it but I know that I do. I see myself. I put the clothes on or really I don't because I can't fit into those clothes. I have gone back up sizes. It is so tough. I can remember thinking I would never go back over 300 pounds. Too late. I do not want to get back to 400 and I'm not there yet. THere's the head knowledge of what to do to stop this but the heart the fight to do it is not there. My heart need to get with my head and figure this problem out because Lord knows I miss my old new self!

When I was 400something.....I was a confident person. I really thought I could conquer the world. No joke. Size did not matter. I was loved by all that knew me. But was often looked at by those didn't as the fat girl until they got to know me. Then they loved me too. Well..maybe.

As I started loosing weight, my confidence grew even more. Actually I think it changed. I was confident, proud, had a sparkle, sassy....all of the above but in a different way. So now here I am gaining weight as I type(probably). As I have gained weight, I don't have the big girl confidence that I once did or the confidence I gained as I lost weight. I didn't know what being smaller was really like. And well now I do...I like the smaller version of me. I will never be the confident big girl because I want to be the smaller self assured La.

I often sit and think about where where my motivation and security are that I had before. It feels lost. I lay in bed at night and pray that I wake up the next morning ready to conquer it. I don't want to wait to Monday. But then I wake up and its not there.

Will I ever get to that 175 pounds that I was so close to getting too. Realize that I less than 100 pounds to getting there. I think I feel more overwhelmed trying to get to the goal now than I did when I at my largest. Why? Because now I fight a different fight. A fight against myself, against arthritis, against weight, against emotions, against what?

Is it physical, emotional, or really is it a spiritual fight? I believe it's spiritual. As I write this I think about the verse...Ephesians 6:12......For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

So I got out my Life Application Bible to read and see how it explains this verse. Well it sent me to 1 Peter 5:8 ..... and all I could think was about "a roaring lion" actually there's more....Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

The explanation for this.....Lions attack sick, young, or straggling animals,; they choose victims who are alone or not alert. Peter warns us to watch out for Satan when we are suffering or not alert. Feeling alone(check), weak(check), helpless(check), and cut off from other believers(sometimes), so focused on our troubles that we forget to watch for danger.

So what to do during these times of suffering...what do to what to do! Well on the next verse...James 4:7 Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.
I'm not a big fan of the Message but I love this...So let God work his will in you. Yell a loud no to the Devil and watch him scamper. Say a quiet yes to God and he'll be there in no time. James 4:7

Final word. In closing...ha ha! Been in church a long time!

Flee the devil. Say NO. Focus on God. Keep your eyes on him and not the suffering. Don't submit to circumstances, but submit to the Lord who is still in control!

NEXT....

2011-07-31T21:09:00.001-07:00

Diagnosis. I cried all afternoon knowing that I finally had an answer. It was shock, concern, and a big WHY all rolled into one.

That was almost the end of November. I would love to say I started medicine, I got better, and started back on my weight loss journey. Well it didn't happen like that.

It went more like this. I started medicine. I started improving slowly. Physically a inch by inch. Emotionally still down. I was still fighting. My weight began to steadily increase. By this time I had probably gained 40 maybe more pounds.

Over the next few months I was better but not completely good. I could function but only with arthritis medicine. The only fight I had in me was to fight the pain, there was nothing left to fight the weight. It was so much easier to grab something because I literally did not feel like cooking. If I did cook it was not healthy, it was quick and easy. This caused more weight gain. Then on top of all of it, emotionally broke down from the pain, not being able to do like I had before and other things missing from my life, I ate. I found comfort in food. Its not something I'm proud of or like to admit. But its the truth.

I found I was headed back to a life of unhealthy foods and no exercise instead of the things I has once craved like healthy foods and working out.

Feed back

2011-07-30T14:15:00.000-07:00

Just a little side note. If you are reading my blog could you just let me know on FB or on here. I know I know I'm quirky but I just have the need to know if anyone is reading so I can continue on......
Thanks!

TerribleHorrible No Good Very Bad Season!

2011-07-30T10:56:00.000-07:00

Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day.......the day my mother had to help me get undressed. Thinking back this had to be the worse day. It was a Wednesday. I went to church. By this time, I had a terrible rash on my stomach. No actually horrible. I would show anyone. All my medical friends and non-medical friends. I wanted someone to diagnosis the problem so I could get better. No one could tell me.

My tummy was awful and I could hardly move. I wanted to scream. Cry. I did. A LOT. Usually everyday in the recliner at home after a long hard day.

My emotional state was at an all time low. No one could ask me how I was doing because all you would get was a cry. My mother decided she needed to come over and stay the night with me. That night between the physical and emotional pain I could not stop crying. I couldn't get my clothes off. Mother had to help me get in the bed.

I believe this was about a week before the first doctor couldn't find anything.

Back to that day....
After the doctor called, I was very upset. Mother decided to call Aunt Jackie. She recommended a doctor in Ruston. I called and he saw me that day.

I'm not sure what Dr. Wood thought about me this day. I cried so hard. I told him everything. Start to finish. He was kind and he listened.

Over the next couple of weeks I had an MRI. It showed arthritis. WOW. That's what wrong. I heard it but didn't really believe that's all it could be. How I suddenly over a month and 1/2 could I have gotten that down because of arthritis. But with this answer came medicine. This medicine began to help somewhat....functioning but not back to where I use to be.

Remember I said that my stomach was broke out. It only got worse. About three weeks after the diagnosis of arthritis, I took a trip to the er. My aunt jack was working and the er doctor checked it out. I believe they were both shocked. The next day I went back to see Dr. Wood.

He looked at me. Then ask to allow his colleague in. OF COURSE! I need help. They looked at me then looked at each other. I was listening as they discussed. The other doctor ask...have you had any muscle or joint pain. Yes. That's why I came in originally. More discussion between doctors. Then Dr. Wood looks at me and says you have..........psoriatic arthritis.

Next Chapter

2011-07-29T10:29:00.001-07:00

If you an still reading...on to the next chapter of my journey.

After my wild experience at church, I cannot tell you how stressed I stayed. Some of you who are reading this may say really? Yes really. Only a few friends knew how stressed I was. I was constantly worried about passing out again. I worried because there was no specific medical reason lets give her some medicine, lets do this or that to prevent it from happening again. So panic, anxiety, whatever the word set in. I was afraid it would happen again in church, at school, driving, with friends. It was so nerve racking! Emotionally straining and draining.

For two weeks, it stayed this way.

Then something else began stressing me....pain in my shoulder blade on my right side. Oh my gracious. One morning I just woke up in pain. At first I thought I was sleeping wrong. Then maybe pleurisy. Except it starting getting worse. The pain was in my back, then it hit my shoulder. It was all I could do to get up. Take a ibuprofen. Get to work. Make it through the day. I began to believe that maybe I had hurt my back sometime during all my days of working out! I just thought the pain was bad. Looking back now the pain went from bad to worse to severe over night. I went from the pain in my back to pain from my head to my toes.

I had to pray every morning....Lord help me get out of bed today because if you don't I can't. I couldn't move my neck side to side. I could not raise my right arm. My legs were stiff. My feet hurt. It was the most horrible pain. I went from being able to workout like a 2o something young long to a person with years of wear and tear on their body.

I went to visit a local doctor. Actually I went more than one time and each and every time.....nothing. She could find nothing. She couldn't figure it out. I had x-rays done. I had lab work done. Exams. No answers!

The final straw....the nurse calls....we found nothing. Silence. Me...well? Nurse...hold on. Nurse....the doctor says we can refer you to an orthopedic doctor. OK thanks. Hello...you are my doctor. You are letting me go and you cannot give me answer or the next step. Where do I go? What do I do? Why is this happening! I got so mad. My poor Mother. She got the kick of my meanness. I was so upset. I was crying. I knew something was wrong. So many thoughts went through my head. So many questions with no answers.

Let me catch you up where I was in my life.
physically....broken
emotionally....shattered
spiritually......let down and desperate

It felt like my world was crashing down. My health had been stolen. My once carefree loving spirit gone. Sparkle gone. Spiritually there were so many questions.

Many days were filled with the struggle to just survive.

And the weight was starting to come back......one more stress factor.

More to come......

Lyrics to Sing over your Children Matt Maher

2011-07-28T20:51:00.000-07:00

I have listened to this song over and over again. It is number 3 on the Alive Again CD. This has been my go to song recently. I'm not even sure why. Something about the words heal and comfort my weariness.

I flirt with the world
It steals my love for You
My fear grips my faith
And I am left unmoved
Your gaze stops my heart
Your voice fills the dark
Your love is the spark that lights this life
So we rise

Out of the depths you cry
Come and be satisfied
Father, You sing
Father, You sing over Your children

You quiet the storm
Inside my shipwrecked soul
Your spirit will lead
It calls the wayward home
At the sound of Your name
Our sin is washed away
In Christ we're crucified
In You we die, in You we rise

Out of the depths you cry
Come and be satisfied
Father, You sing
Father, You sing over Your children

Let us see through Your eyes
We are Your great delight
Father You sing
Father, You sing over Your children
And we're singing along
Your daughters and sons
We're singing Your song
We are Your children
Out of the depths you cry
Come and be satisfied
Father, You sing
Father, You sing over Your children

gloom, despair, & agony!

2011-07-28T19:42:00.000-07:00

On the the gloom, despair, and agony part of this story.....

Remember the three antibiotics, a shot, and a tooth pulled and four days later.

That Sunday morning, October 4th 2010, was no different than any other Sunday morning. I got up, sat in the recliner, probably checked my facebook, ate breakfast, raced to church to get to Sunday School because I was teaching the youth that morning. You know normal for me. I don't remember what I had for breakfast, what time I got up, or what my status was that day but I do remember what happened about 11:34 that morning.

I was in my usually spot. On the fourth pew sitting with my Pro-Zack and AJ. Usually I sit between them but this particular Sunday it was AJ, Pro, then me. On the other side of me was a cousin of one our youth. Her first time at EBC. Yep...first time! Song service. Fine. Offertory. Fine. Fellowship. Fine. Good special. Fine. Guest speaker was there that day. BR549 was there but not preaching. I remember paying attention to him. I could even remember some of the things he was saying. I could hear him. I see him. I see BR sitting there. And there's Prozack, AJ, Diana over there, Jeff, Brett, I see Billy and Suzonne. Wait something is not right. I see everyone but there is something wrong. My ears are making a strange noise. What's he saying? Huh? I can't hear....
Me...Zack. I think I'm going to pass out.
Zack.....What?
Me....Zack I think Im going to pass out.
Me...leaning heavily on Zack...
Zack...what do you want me to do?
Me...Get my momma(don't forget Im on fourth pew. Mother second pew from back)
Zack to AJ....LL is going to pass out.
AJ...WHAT!
Zack....LL is going to pass out get her mother.

Me sees AJ get up and walk.

Me to Pat(in front of me) I need help I'm going to pass out.

Me passing out in Zacks lap!

Side note.....Now Zack will not sit by me in church or at least he will not sit AJ, Zack, LL

LATER....Preacher still preaching.
ME....hollering and begging...help me. something is wrong. help me.
L!et me explain how I was feeling the second I came to. I was so desperate for help. I remember my eyes being wide open. Panicked. Scared. Helpless. I needed help. I knew something was wrong and it felt like no one was working fast enough to do anything. I also remembering looking into Hero's eyes and wanting him to do something. I was clinging to Jenn Mac begging her to help. Looking into the eyes of my friends, wanting them to do something but them so desperately doing all they could to just calm me and figure it out. BTW...911 had been called by this time. People were standing praying. The preacher had stopped preaching and was praying. Everyone who had been with me was suddenly gone and a whole new set of people were there. I had my own medical team surrounding me.

(Time out.,..... You know I really believe our life without Christ is like this situation. Desperate. Sinking. Needing help.)

After a few minutes with the help of this great team and the prayers of my church family, I was able to settle down. But then all I wanted to do was walk out the back door! I asked Hero but he wouldn't let me. He said I was not walking out. So they made me ride out in a rolling office chair. Now if the passing out was not embarrassing enough. Being wheeled out in a chair topped it off!

That day I took my first ride in the ambulance. 1. I had to go potty. 2. I did not want to the emt to get blood on my dress! He did good.

I was admitted. Watched over night. Ran test. Sent to cardiologist. Stress test.
Results.....nothing. NO idea what happened. Hasn't happened again. Praying it never does.

The doctors seem to think that my body had overload. With all the medicines and tooth my body just shut down. I passed out then I panicked because it scared me so bad. There was no pin point reason to say that it happened. Not blood pressure. Not blood sugar. No explanation.

This was what I feel was the beginning of the one of the most stressful times in my life....

Pictures from a great summer

2011-07-28T17:41:00.001-07:00

Sioux Falls...Guitar Center...faking it!

Best World Changers Crew Ever! Shreveport
MY BUFFALO! Michelle!
Faith's First Day of Pre-k
World Changers Birmingham!

1 year 2 months!

2011-07-28T17:35:00.001-07:00

One year and two months is how long it has been since I blogged. 1 year 2 months! So many things have changed in the last year and 2 months!

The year in review.......

I spent most May, June, and even July watching Pro-zack, AJ, Alyssa, and B.randy play coed softball and even some basketball. Watched Seth and Avery through regular season and All-stars. Avery's team went to Alexandria and took state with the 7 & 8 year old girls! Two World Changers trips in July....Shreveport and Birmingham. Then back to Sioux Falls for year 5 at the end of July! I was able to flllllyyyy to see Abs and Boom-daddy early. It was one of the best summers.
School was a mess! We had to pack up our classrooms and move to Southside. As you see from above...my summer was crazy! So when I got back from SF(two days after school started!) I had to get very busy! My classroom along with Susie's and Gayla's was in the gym! Man was it a crazy chaotic time! But thanks to a great technology headed up by a great leader....we moved in a few hours into our rooms.
WAIT...my friend Michelle threw me a birthday party! It was a surprise!
With school settled and life getting back into a routine, it was time to get off that extra 20 pounds I had put on over the summer. Yes 20 pounds! Considering I had lost 170, 20 pounds seemed like no big deal. But it was hard to get off. I tried getting back into it with no success.
I cannot remember when it started sometime around the time I started working out seriously in November of 2009. But I started having serious issues with my hair and scalp. It was thinning and I had the worse dandruff....so I thought. I went to the doctor. Medicines. Oils. Shampoos. NOTHING helped. I would go to my Sister-n-laws salon just to have them scrub my scalp. I even tried mouth wash. Yes I put Dr. Tichenor's on my raw scalp. Yes it hurt and burned. I was desperate. I also had an antibiotic.. Off and on until the about the end of September 2010 I did EVERYTHING. It was so bad and embarrassing. Writing about it now even bothers me. To understand how bad it was, someone saw it when I had it pulled up and thought I had burned my head. They were so upset. In October 2010, I went to the dermatologist. He said you have seborrheic dermatitis. Finally an answer and a shot of cortisone!
All about the same time.....about two weeks before all this.... my face started swelling. Yep an abscessed tooth. No pain just swelling. I looked terrible. Of course no one could tell but me and maybe my mother. Two antibiotics and a pulled tooth later, I was back on track. WAIT PUT ON THE BRAKES!
Let me catch you up....shot, 3 antibiotics, tooth pulled all in 2 and 1/2 weeks! Can I stressed!

Do I go on.....there's more gloom and despair and agony coming! I know I know I know but I have to tell you all of this to get you to where I am now in July 2011! More to come after I see if anyone is reading this blog again.......Next a great summer turns into a terrible fall.

Thoughts of myself

2010-06-06T20:03:00.000-07:00

I was in Walmart today and had an encounter with a really nice looking guy. Of course I smiled and he smiled back. We exchanged hellos and walked on.

This little episode got me to thinking. It was not negative thinking just reality.

People who have known me from the 438 point until now think I look amazing. They know the old girl and see this beautiful new girl who is on her way to a "hot body" but more importantly a healthy body.

I started thinking today about the new people I've met. I ask myself "Do they see a big girl?" Sadly the answer is yes. As far as I have come there is still a road ahead that I have to walk to get to the point of people seeing me as an average size person. I have tendency to want to tell people what I've lost and show them pictures.

I need to learn to stand on who I am now, where I am going, and not where I started. I'm going to be OK.

What's Next?

2010-05-25T12:58:00.000-07:00

Recently I was called to speak to a group of ladies during their lunch break. I was so excited to be able to have the opportunity to encourage a group to get started on their weight loss journey.

Looking at the faces of those ladies mirrored an image of myself. Not necessarily because they have as much weight as I had to lose but because they have all a battle to fight just like me.

I just plainly shared my story with them. The start. The now. The in between. The important people. Those who helped me. The exercise. The diet. I feel like I really said a bunch.

Talking to this group was an amazing task for me. I have been praying and hoping for an opportunity to share. God granted that. I cannot wait to find out what's next!

Scales!

2010-05-24T22:22:00.000-07:00

I gained 8 pounds in a few weeks. Not proud of it. Made me mad.

It's OK...because it's gone. Probably water.

Here's what I gotta do. STOP WEIGHING every stinking day.
I crave getting on the scales in the am and pm. I moved the scales to the exercise room. Didn't work. Moved them to the linen closet. Didn't work. Next step? Move the scales to my Mother's house. I don't go over there every day so it would work.

I just need to learn to stop focusing on the scales and focus on eating right and exercise!

Smelly nasty yucky

2010-05-24T21:40:00.000-07:00

The last month has been difficult for me. I have many ups and downs and struggles!
Here's just a couple of things that I really battled with....
Patience. I have always been patient with children but not so much with adults. I am working on it. I want things right now, don't me wait for long. If you have been around me very long, you will hear me say "_____ is on my last nerve." So often this is true. I have heard a lot of people say don't pray for patience because you will get the opportunity to learn them. I have to learn to wait. Waiting is never fun.

Focus. Really my focus has been off. I cannot stay focused on anything for very long. I told a colleague recently I just don't listen. I don't. People can talk to me and I have no idea what they said. I'm certainly not trying to be mean. I just don't listen because I am focused on something or someone else. It hurts feelings. I've always been a pretty good listener. I know what the problem is.....I have to focus on other people and not myself.

Attitude . I want to quit. Quit what? Everything. I felt like I good throw up my hands and say loudly! I QUIT! I don't care what you say but I just quit. This has off and on been my attitude. It was a really smell bad attitude that came across in certain relationships, responsibilities, and my diet. It was like I was tired of trying! I don't care if you are my friend, I don't care if it gets done, and I'm tired of eating right. I had a really sorry attitude.

To be completely honest with myself and my readers, I hate to admit any of these things. I want to be strong, pull through and be happy. In fact, I've been thinking about a quote I found on thinkexist. "I want to be remembered as the girl who always smiles when her heart is broken, and the one that could brighten up your day even when she couldn't brighten up her own." I've read that over and over and the more I think about it...I don't want to be that girl. I don't want to fake it. I want to be open about having a bad day and move on. I want brighten people with my smile but I also want people to know that life is not always a mountain top experience. Oh I have joy but I also have some days when I have silly thoughts almost crazy thoughts that bring me down. And I have to believe that I am not the only person that has days like that.

Trying to close this post was difficult. The best way for me to close is with my new favorite song....Sanctus Real...Change Me. It ended up on my MP3 player by divine appointment. Now I listen to it over and over. Here are the words:

And did my words change your mind
with what I said last night?
And did I break your heart by straying so far?
For what you had in mind for my life?
Won't you change me from who I've been lately
Cause I know I'm nothing without you!

Here's my favorite part!
So would you speak to me and show me what I need
Is it patience? Kindness? All that is in between?
Loving others the way you love me?
Won't you change me from who I've been lately
Cause I know I'm nothing without you!

Going to be quiet and listen for Him to speak to me in what I need.

Goodbye to the old hello to the new!

2010-04-09T03:39:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had to say goodbye to an old friend. Yes there were a few tears. We've been friends for a long time but yesterday I decided to let her go. I actually buried her. Our friendship just wasn't the best the for me. She caused me pain and heartache. She made me cry often.

Goodbye old friend.....Now I'm moving on. THe new girl is happier, more upbeat, and confident. I'm never going back to the old!

Bob and La

2010-04-09T03:19:00.000-07:00

My friend MIchelle likes to take pictures of me when I am not looking. Why? Stalker! Kidding. Is she a nut?. Nah. It's actually to show my weight loss off. She wants me to see the success. Where I am not where I use to be.

To set up this story....after Fit Camp last week I needed some one on one training with my favorite trainer...Bob. For some reason I cannot get those arm exercises..so Bob had to help. By the way, I still aint got it. Sorry Bob...I haven't practiced in the mirror...I'll get it soon!

Testimony becoming a ministry

2010-04-05T12:41:00.000-07:00

My purpose for more than two years has been to lose weight; to become a better me. I struggled through some thoughts recently about how weight loss has become every part of my life. It has consumed me.

I'm finally at a place that it is okay. Why? Because my mind has changed.

Several weeks ago I started praying and thinking. My friend Michelle seems to think that I should quit thinking and have fun because when I do I certainly can over think! I do agree with her.

Today I was reading me Bible when I came across a Bible study and a verse about thinking in the flesh and not discerning what the Holy Spirit has for you through prayer and scripture.

Romans 8:5-6 says Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what the nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace.

More often times than not I think selfishly. We must daily chose to consciously center our thoughts on Him.

Lately I've been trying to discern what God has for me through my journey of weight loss and change. I need to stop thinking about how overwhelming it is, how it has changed me, and begin to think about how HE can use it to bring Him glory!

I have been praying that He would use my testimony of weight loss to become a ministry. I have really tried to give credit to Him more now than ever. I realize that so often I would say thank you to people and give credit to my family, my friends, my trainer, myself. But I cannot continue to do that. It's all about Him. There has been times in the past that I have given Him the honor He deserves to bring me to the place I am now but not often enough.

God has been in this all along and used some amazing people to help me through this.
Let me describe some ways.

He sent precious young ladies to help me understand that it was time to begin. He has continued to have those young ladies in my life to love on me, tell me I am beautiful, and reassure me that I am all that!
He used me Mother to continue to pray for me even when I wasn't ready so many times before.
He used my best friend to encourage me to go to the meetings when it would have been easier to just not go.
He used my friend to keep walking even though I was tired!
He used another friend by sending cards every time I reached a goal or when I didn't.
He gave me a friend to cry on their shoulder when I was having a rough time.
He sent me co-workers who encouraged me every day to keep winning the battles.
He gave me the best Wednesday night workout partner ever...Shauna!
He placed me with a church family that loves me more than I will ever realize.
He sent a sweet man who told me that he was worried about me. He never said a word until after I started losing weight but it came at just the right time.
He placed a Weight Watcher leader in my life that saw it in me that I conquer the war!
He gave me a walking buddy with kids and a dog.
He sent me a sweet new friend Meredith; who is just precious.
He sent people to the track that I would have never met any where else.
He sent Stephen to help me get started again and to be my friend and my trainer that encourages me.
He gave me more extended family than I know what to do with.
He gave me AJ and Zack to make me laugh and keep my chin up!
He sent people my way to speak to me in the middle of stores. Seriously people I don't really know that somehow know me.
He sent me emails and FB comments to cheer up me and refresh my spirit.

These are only a few of the ways that He has been in the midst of this. Some of these people have been in my life since the beginning, some from the middle, some are gone now, while others are brand new. But I know without a doubt that one has not been more important than the other and God orchestrated it all.

I even realize that there are probably some ways I will never even realize but I would never want to overlook.

My friend recently sent me text that said this....
Knowing purpose, and a growing passion in life for that purpose is what makes life all that it is meant to be.

Is my purpose to share about my weight loss? I don't know that. But I do know that whatever my purpose is I want it to bring honor and glory to Him that created me, loved me enough to send His Son, and continues to cheer me on from His throne. So can use my weight loss to bring all that about...without a doubt I believe that. I cannot wait to see who He sends my way and how He uses me.

New pictures

2010-04-05T08:52:00.001-07:00

Easter 2009 Easter 2010

HMMM Who are you?

2010-04-03T13:12:00.000-07:00

One day after school this week, I went to the track. Because I left so quickly from school, people were still picking up students from the high school. I saw my aunts car so I decided to walk over and talk to her and my cousin. As I was walking up, a lady that I taught her daughter(and have known for a while) was walking towards me. She was about 2 car lengths from me. I raised my hand and kinda waved. She ignored me. We got a little closer and I raised my hand and said hey girl. Nothing. I thought what's her problem what did I do! My next thought was maybe she couldn't tell who I was because I had sun glasses on. I flipped them up. Still nothing...she was looking right at me. Finally when we were only a feet from each other she broke out in a smile. She said on my Lord I did not know who you were. . She couldn't believe how I had changed. It has only been about 6 or 7 months since I had seen her.
To be honest! I was really tickled that she didn't know me! All i can say is YES!

Fat Days...Skinny Moments

2010-04-02T22:23:00.000-07:00

Some people may not understand fat days and skinny moments. I don't think this is a weight loss thing. Let me help you understand!

Sometimes I have fat days. Those are days when I still see myself as the old person. I see myself as the largest girl in the room. I see where I use to be and not where I am and where I am going. These are hard days to get through but I usually combat them with pep talks and exercise!

Then sometimes I have skinny moments. Those are the days when I see the weight I've lost. I had a skinny moment the other day when I was walking in the Galleria with the girls during our weekend in Texas. I was looking at clothes and I realized that they don't look so small anymore. Some of the clothes are doable for me! It's a possibility that I can find something besides the big girl store.

The other skinny moment I had was tonight. It's funny because I usually have the skinny moments when I see pictures of myself. I was taking pictures with my girls and saw myself. My face looks skinny. My face was stinkin thin. I was so excited that I could not stop looking!

My sweet 15 year old cousin encourages skinny moments when she hugs me and says.....every time....I can get my arms around you and squeezes my harder! I love that.

I hope one day that I have less fat days and more skinny moments....oh wait I want skinny days and fat moments!

Whats all this about!?

2010-04-01T21:55:00.000-07:00

This journey started off as a challenge without my heart being into it. But it has developed into a lifestyle that has changed me forever.

Life is so unexpected. I'm not really sure that two years and three months ago I really believed that I would be 162 pounds smaller and would be so healthy. Oh yeah I have 101 pounds to go but I know that i am going to get to that goal I set back 2 years and 3 months ago.

Here's a few things that run in my silly mind probably 10,000 times a day...am I crazy?
1. I've lost a person plus!
2. I use to weigh over 400 pounds...never going back to there!
3. I have a personal trainer. Who by the way is simply fantastic. Thank you Bob!
4. I have red hair...which makes people think I'm sassy...I am..but was before.....just more now! Thank you Sister in law!
5. I can now wear an XL and use to pray that I could find an 3XL to fit good...sometimes 4XL.
6. I use to wear 34/36 in pants/shirts and now its more like 18/20 shirts and 22/24 pants...that will change soon.
7. I feel better than I ever have.
8. I have lost physically but I've grown emotionally!
9. I can see my goal in sight.....I'm almost to the point where I don't have to lose triple figures anymore.
10. I feel great and I'm so happy.

A few thoughts about change!

2010-03-25T13:01:00.001-07:00

A few changes.......

I'm dancing again at the Old Timers Game...I looked back at the video from 2009 and boy have I changed! I actually look forward to replacing the old video!

Oh yeah! I am excited about Fit Camp...six months ago I probably would not have even thought of joining a boot camp. Definitely would not have done it 2 years ago! More changes!

Impatient

2010-03-25T11:30:00.000-07:00

Today is an impatient day.
I am ready to be at goal. Sometimes I get frustrated because it seems that it is taking so long for me to get there. Where is there? My mind has been set on 175 pounds for more than 2 years.

I know that I was not the average person who needed to lose that extra 10 or 20 or even 50. I was an unhealthy on the way to the grave morbidly obese 33 year old.

I'm struggling with patience on this particular day!

I'm making a list of things I don't have to worry about anymore and things I can do now...
1. I will not worry about if the chair will hold me anymore.
2. I will not worry about fitting into a booth anymore.
3. I will not worry about only shopping in big girl stores anymore.
4. I will not be what everyone expects me to be but what God expects of me anymore!
5. I can do the exercises that Bob ask me to do...like crunches and jumping jacks...it ain't easy but I can do it!
6. I can make a difference in the lives of other people.
7. I can make it without cake

What God does God want me to do?
Trust in the LORD, and do good; Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness. Delight yourself also in the LORD,

Now what will HE do...
And He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD,Trust also in Him, And He shall bring it to pass.He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light,And your justice as the noonday.
Psalm 37:3-6

2010-03-18T11:45:00.000-07:00

First picture is from October 2009 at my friend(sister) Abbie's Wedding. This dress caused me lots of tears! I started strict back on the diet, exercising more, and workouts with Stephen. Now just 5 short months later....I am almost 59 pounds smaller! November 1st thru March 18! Not even 5 full months! Oh my overwhelming!

UGH! UGH I say again!

2010-03-17T20:46:00.000-07:00

UGH! Tonight was really bad for me. Ugh I say it again.

It was workout Wednesday and I love work out Wednesdays! But tonight I left frustrated with myself. I started off strong then fell to weakness!

I didn't do so good mainly because I started feeling sickly. Nausea! The sicker I felt the harder it was to workout. I had to stop several times Made me so upset with myself. I began feeling the disappointment creep in during the workout. I hate not finishing and feeling like I did not do enough.

The thoughts of failure in myself then turns into this look on Bob's face. It's like he thinking I know that you can do it so do it to it! He's probably not but that's what I being to think! I see it as being weak. Ugh I hate that feeling of not doing good. Side note: I know Bob is not disappointed in me...that's my imagination....he's proud of me no doubt.

So what am I going to do about it? Tomorrow is a new day. Someone told me we all have off days. I am throwing this one up to a off day and start again tomorrow.

Walking

2010-03-15T14:47:00.000-07:00

I really been feeling the need to post something but nothing is really going on. I guess this is a good thing.

Something that has happened in the last few weeks is that I have now lost 157.4 pounds...105.6 pounds to my goal.

For the last 3 weeks I have been walking at the track. No set times or with anybody. I just go whenever. I've made plans with a Shauna and Alyssa to walk but just show up most of the time.

It's been interesting to meet people at the track. I have ran into Jamie more than more time and walked with her. This weekend we were walking and met a young lady out too. Jamie was like we need to talk to her.

When I first saw her, before I even talked to her, I saw where I was. She looked like she was struggling with every step. It was slow and steady but a struggle. I wanted to approach her but remembered a time when I was probably unapproachable myself. To be honest...not in a mean way...but I wanted to run to her and run around her and do nothing but cry out encouragements. I am not a freak! I just wanted to encourage her to go and to do it to it!

Jamie initiated the conversation. She told us a little about herself. She told us that she has decided to start walking again. I think maybe that this was her second day and she was walking a mile. Wow. It took me back to a time when I first started and how I was good to walk a few laps around the gym at church hurting the whole time, begging Abbie and Diana to tell me how many we had left.

As we left, we got her number, hoping that I would run into again to be an encourager to her.

Today...again I don't plan out times...I just go. I was walking at the track and suddenly I heard a load WHHHOOOOAA! I turned to look and she was waving and hollering to get my attention. I was on my last 3 and 1/2 laps(3 miles I might add!) I was on the opposite side of the track where she was started but I decided that I could pick up my pace and make it to where she was. Her pace plus my pace made it where I caught up with her on my last two laps. We talked the whole two laps. She asked me about what I do. She talked about the some of the struggles she faces being overweight. It was amazing that some of the things that she still faces I once faced. It makes me a little teary to think that I have come thru so much and will not have to worry about those things again!

My prayer has been that through my journey of getting healthy that I could encourage other people. To have an affect on some one's life. My new walking friend...she has encouraged me. I am enouraged to know that God will use me to share what He has done for me through all this. God is good all the time God is good!

Yes

2010-03-06T00:05:00.001-08:00

I was told today by someone that someone told them..... I wasn't a big girl anymore.
March 4, 2010

YES!

2010-03-02T10:58:00.000-08:00

Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”

You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.”

Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

If you never did, you should. These things are fun and fun is good!

Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.

Dr. Seuss

My favorite middle Gilbert

2010-02-28T13:28:00.000-08:00

I should have posted this Monday but it just it me today.

Monday Diana and I went to see my Weston girls play basketball. The school offered to cook hamburgers and fries with a drink(at a good price) for us because of the long way home. We decided to do it so we could visit with our people and get home quicker.

The menu was not very Weight Watcher friendly. I made the choice to get no cheese on fries or burger. But that's not the good part!

I sat down with some of my kids(they are special too me!) with my food. I made the statement about eating the fries. My favorite middle Gilbert stepped right up to the plate! He told me that I didn't need the fries and that I should not eat them. This did not bother me...it made my heart swell! When I looked up at him, he said I'm telling you this because you wanted us to help you and encourage you.

He cannot imagine how much he helped me and made me smile. I am so glad to have people in my life like my Kyle. They keep me going!

Sidenote!

2010-02-27T10:43:00.000-08:00

So this post goes with the previous post....another encounter!
This morning I went to the track to walk. I went with my MP3 player and myself intending to walk by myself but God had a different intention!

I was on my second lap when a lady came up beside took off her headphones and started to talking. I listened as she told me all herslef and her family. We talked about our health and our exercise routines. I talked about my church. The conversation went like old friends visiting.

God has a way of putting us in the right place at the right time!

Who do you encounter?

2010-02-27T06:58:00.000-08:00

Friday morning....or should I start with Thursday night....
I went to bed late again. I try to go to bed early but then I end up staying up too late. Then Friday morning I didn't want to get up for early morning duty! I was not in the best mood when I left the house but thinking about that is was Friday...i perked up.

Then I arrived at work! Sometimes I arrive at work in a good humor..good mood....then the stress of the day hits and my mood changes. Surely somebody knows what I am talking about and this is not just me! It really doesn't matter what your job is ....it can happen!

So my patience were thin, my stress level was up, and we were out of our normal routine! Everything and everybody seemed to get on my nerve ....the last one!

We finally got the day started and things began to change. I was around some new little people.. There bright smiles and excitement began to change my mood. We sang and talked it was fun. By the time we arrived at our destination, I was in a better mood!

On our trip, I encounted more new people. Then something Bro. Randy(my pastor) talked about a few Sundays ago popped up in my mind. He has been preaching about witnessing. He challenged us to watch for opportunites. That person at the gas pump. The person in the line. Remembering all this got me to thinking. There would be people I would encounter this day..February 25 that I had never encounted before and probably would never again. It changed my day.

We toured a building and rode a bus. A lady in the building was impressed with our group. Another lady questioned what we did. I talked to the bus driver and listened to his story. Then the operations manager shared her story with me. Then yet another lady got on the bus and we talked. Then the next place we stopped I visited with the man who worked there. I didn't share much with them but a smile, an ear, and a friendly chat. But I believe that my warmth...God's Holy Spirit.....impressed on them.

Another thing that changed my day was my little people. Some of them probably have never experienced the fun we did yesterday. I watched as their faces lit up as they were playing. I was part of that! Sometimes my job is hard, sometimes I wonder why I do what I do, sometimes I get tired but then I have days like this and I know the answers to all those questions.

So my day went from grouchy...ugh...I wish the day was over.....to a smile.....a lesson learned....and a wonderful day!

Love

2010-02-25T20:19:00.000-08:00

I read this story today and it touched me. I am sharing it with all of you.
Credit goes to an article from www.crosswalk.com ----the excerpt is from Gary Chapman's book Five Love Languages Singles Edition

The Man with the Metal Halo
I first met Rob on one of my trips to the Grand Canyon (one of nature's most beautiful portraits). n the south rim of the canyon, somewhere near the Bright angel Trail, I spotted Rob and two older adults. He wasn't hard to spot, because he was wearing a back brace with a metal halo that circled his head. I gave him a friendly nod and a smile, my way of saying hello.
Rob responded, "Hello, I hope you're having a good morning." His inviting smile beckoned me into conversation. I discovered that he had suffered spinal injuries in a hiking accident. The older couple were his mom and dad. The three had planned a family trip to the Grand Canyon two years earlier. The first year money was a problem, so they postponed their dream. Then Rob had his accident and they couldn't leave home. Now that Rob was doing somewhat better, they had come to see the canyon. When the family originally planned the trip, they intended to hike to the foot of the canyon. Their dream had been altered but not destroyed. So they planned to spend the week enjoying the sights of the canyon.

Rob wheeled his chair into position for a great view of the trail and canyon, and he and his parents were soaking in the fabulous view. I commended them for not giving up on their dream and wished them well.

My son and I continued our week together exploring the canyon. Toward the end of the week I ran into Rob in the lobby of the Bright Angel Lodge. Because of our earlier encounter, it seemed I was seeing an old friend. We ended up talking for two hours. Rob shared his story about the fall that resulted in his injuries and the determined efforts of the rescue workers who flew him out by helicopter. He told me about the pain and the emotional struggle of those early days when he wasn't sure he would ever be able to walk again. He had a number of brushes with depression, had lost a new job opportunity, and spent many weeks in physical therapy.

When I asked what had enabled him to come through that experience and still have such a vibrant spirit, his answer was simple. "Love," he said. "That's the only way I could have made it. Mom and dad were with me through the whole thing, and I had a girlfriend . . . not a romantic relationship, but a close friend who came to see me every day in those early weeks. I don't think I would have made it without her. She brought me hope. She encouraged me in my therapy, and she prayed with me. I had never had a girl pray with me before. There was something about the way she talked to god that gave me hope. Her words were like rain on my parched emotions.

"We're still good friends. Her love and the love of my folks brought me through."

Then Rob added, "I hope someday I can help someone else the way they have helped me."

That last statement is what I what my life to echo...I hope someday I can help someone else the way they....my cloud of witnesses....my friends and family....have helped me.

Oh me Oh my!

2010-02-24T14:33:00.001-08:00

So here it is...... as of Sunday, February 21, 2010 I have lost 151.3 pounds!
It feels good to reach that goal.

I had the realization today that I am less than 50 pounds to 200 pounds lost.
Oh me oh my! This is really happening.

My next goal is 12 pounds. When that happens that means I have less than a 100 pounds to go. Oh me oh my again. This is really going to happen!

THE BEST THINGS....

2010-02-24T14:16:00.000-08:00

I was given an award today for my blog....Thanks Melissa!

So in return I am going to answer the same 10 Best things....
1. Best Ever Meal. I absolutely love my mom's deer steak smothered in gravy with rice.

2. Best Ever Sleep. The best ever sleep I can remember.....it's always the night on the way home from Sioux Falls when we stay at the hotel after sleeping on air mattresses for a week. Best ever!

3. Best cup of coffee...honestly...don't like it.

4. Best Romantic Moment....ugh...I cannot admit it or at least I'm not ready too! ;)

5. Best childhood memory moment....I can remember every fall my mom would get out and rake leaves and we were "forced to help!" It was our job to move the leaves on a sheet from the piles she raked to the ditch. When we finished, we could jump into the huge pile. I still think of it when I smell leaves burning!

6. Best moment of your life...as of right now...stepping on the scales when I had lost 100 pounds.

7. Best moment of revenge....I think it will come at my 20 year reunion when I get the award for most changed and the girls who were always little will not be their high school weight. That is terrible. (side note....everyone was always good to me in high school.)

8. Best thing someone has done for me......recently....someone told me I was beautiful. It made my day.

9. Best thing you have done for someone else....I would say that Secret Santa for my friend Chas is one of the best things. It was so fun to sneak around!

10. Best life changing moment...I'm still in the process of it now!
I wish I could nominate someone else but I don't read too many other blogs!

Oh, give thanks to the LORD!!!

2010-02-21T21:50:00.000-08:00

I just have more thing to post today.....I am so grateful and thankful, and spoiled by the wonderful caring fabulous fantastic friends and family that I have been blessed with! They love me and support me beyond any boundaries! I love being spoiled!

Oh, give thanks to the LORD, for He is good! For His mercy endures forever.1Chronicles 16:34

We are bound to thank God always for you, brethren, as it is fitting, because your faith grows exceedingly, and the love of every one of you all abounds toward each other. 2Thessalonians 1:3

Happy

2010-02-21T21:39:00.000-08:00

I've had a lot of questions lately about what is going on with me. What is going on with you...you seem so happy? You have a glow? Do you have a man? Why are you smiling all the time? Your eyes light up? Who are you?

I'm happy. I'm happy with me. I'm happy with my success. I'm just happy. I'm truly happy. I've got joy and happiness.

I think it use to be that I put on a happy face because it pleased everyone. Now my happy face is for real! I know that I will have ups and downs in life but at this moment I am good.

There are still more changes to come I know that but God is in control and I cannot wait to see what He has in store for me!

2010-02-21T21:38:00.000-08:00

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. – Philippians 4:6

Before and after

2010-02-15T07:46:00.000-08:00

I've been staring at these pictures. It is so strange to look at them side by side. I am really seeing the change. Someone said this week that "I glow!" Heck yeah I glow...I've lost a person!

As I was typing this someone commented again on my FB about my glow! I told her that I love life and I am happy! I think I'll keep glowing!

My great life!

2010-02-13T08:05:00.000-08:00

My sweet girls!

My Rachel!

There's been more pictures than post lately! I guess life has been quiet lately.

The weather in Louisiana has been very unusual! The snow was beautiful.

I was not wanting the snow to come until later Thursday because the girls and I had plans. First the Quitman game then to see our B.Randy. Well....Go Lady Wolves! The other canceled. But it was OK because we ended up coming to my house and snuggling in for good girl talk. We woke up Friday morning ready to play in the snow.

We had so much fun. We played like we were little kids! We don't get snow much. We even took some really good pictures.

Later my Rachel and I were looking over them when I made the comment how skinny I looked. She responded that I just looked like one of them. They are all really skinny! Of course she was across the room. She probably does not know how kind that statement was. I have come so far to be able to hear that comment. I am still not an average size but to hear her say that warmed my heart. One of these days I am going to be an average normal size. Not the biggest girl in the place. For so long that was me. I love my Rachel.

Side note:

My friend and my trainer...My Bob.

A process!

2010-02-08T21:03:00.000-08:00

My friend Philip from Sioux Falls who recently moved to Texas.

I think these pictures put things in perspective in how I have changed.
The first year

Year 2...not the best but see the change...60 pounds lost.

Year 3....110pounds lost...Summer 09

December 09....130 pounds lost

God blessed me with little brothers!

2010-02-08T18:15:00.000-08:00

My two favorite little brothers! I love them too much!

Am I beautiful?

2010-02-08T14:35:00.000-08:00

Am I beautiful? Don't answer because that's a rhetorical question.

I think I have blogged about this subject already. But here it goes again. I guess I am hung up on my outside appearance this days. I am adjusting to how I look.

I saw a guy in Walmart Sunday. He was nice looking guy. I got in line behind him. The way he looked at me just got me to thinking. I might be wrong (doubt it) but what I think he saw was an overweight girl. What I wanted him to see is a lady who has changed. I wanted him to see a lady who had been through a great deal to get to where I am now. I wanted him to see a new person who is working hard to be an average size. I wanted him to see a lady with a heart for people. I wanted him to see a lady who loves to laugh. I wanted him to see me just me not my weight.

The sad thing to me that as much as I want others to see me not my weight I am guilty of the same thing. We were having the discussion at work today about prearranged marriages. (We have good conversations at work.) After the girls named a few people, I realized how guilty I am of doing the very thing that is my pet peeve. I look at people by appearance first. In reality, you do meet most people by appearance first but how often do we shut people off because of what they look like, what they are wearing, their race, their size, their hair. I am guilty. How can I expect other to treat me fairly when at times I don't do the same.

How do we change it? I don't know how you change but I can change me. My favorite verse is what I need to hold dear to me.

1 Samuel 16?7 Do not consider his appearance or his height for I have rejected him. The Lord doest not look at the things that man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance but the Lord looks at the heart!

I think Brandon Heath's song puts it the best way!
Give me your eyes for just one second!

Give me your eyes so I can see!

Everything that I keep missing!

Give me your love for humanity!

Give me your arms for the broken hearted!

The ones that are far beyond our reach!

Give me the heart for ones forgotten!

Give me your eyes so I can see!

438, 400, 375, 350, .......290....250....210....190...175

2010-02-04T21:08:00.000-08:00

Someone made the statement that they couldn't believe that I would Facebook or say how much I weighed when I started. 438. That's right. You should see the looks on faces when I tell that. It's unbelief usually. I don't mind. I know I was a big girl. I don't know how I carried that weight. I can talk about how much I weighed because I don't ever want to be that size again. I don't want to gain a pound back. I did gain about 10 pounds back and I didn't like it. I want to lose it and keep it off.

So I weighed 438...I will not weigh that again. My current weight is around 290. Yeah for me. I don't mind saying what it is now because I am getting smaller and I do not want to be that weight again either. 175 here I come!

A few pictures from 2009

2010-02-04T20:50:00.000-08:00

My silly girls!

Sweet B.Randy!

My brothers!

Who am I?

2010-02-01T12:45:00.000-08:00

Lately I have been feeling very overwhelmed. I even debated posting this because I don't even know that it makes any sense to anyone but me.

Things have changed for me. Definitely physically. I look at pictures and wonder who that girl was and how did I get that way. So many people say I don't remember you that way. That was me. Its funny to think that I have changed so much physically but have I changed in other ways too?

My thoughts on food and exercising have definitely taken a turn for the better. I don't look at food for comfort or happiness any more. I think before I put it into my body. I plan what I am going to eat daily sometimes more into the future than that. I am addicted to exercise. I know every Wednesday is my hard workout day and look forward to it. I get up in the morning thinking about what exercise I will do that day. Food and exercise are my life.

I cannot go a day without someone asking me about my weight loss or what I am doing. Give them motivation. Give them tips. Tell them what to do to get it done. This doesn't mean I want anyone to quit asking or motivating me!

My life has become obsessed and consumed with it all. It overwhelms me. Am I me or am I the weight loss? It's nothing no one else has done. I have made it this way.

I am proud of the accomplishments. I am excited to continue on my journey. I guess what I am dealing with is how to be me who I have always been but yet change at the same time and not be totally consumed with it. Am I different? Will I always need to be consumed with it to reach the goal and then maintain it? What will I be like when I reach goal? I have so many questions!

ABC'S OF WEIGHT LOSS

2010-01-27T12:40:00.000-08:00

Realize that I have a preschool mind! While getting ready for work the other day, I started thinking. This is what came up!
The ABC's of weight loss!
A....ask for help! Your family and friends will encourage you, prayer for you, and just be there! Just ask.
B...be prepared! Never wait until you are so hungry you will eat anything. Think ahead!
C...check calories. Some foods have more calories than you think.
D...drink water. Enough said!
E...everything. Don't deprive yourself. You can each anything but within limits.
F...feelings. Don't eat because of your feelings...sad, happy, mad, celebrating! Think before you eat.
G...get up and exercise! It will make you feel better!
H...holidays are only one day not months and weeks.
I...invent new recipes that fit your taste.
J...journey not a diet. It is not a diet!
K...keep going! You will make it!
L...love yourself! You are who you because God created you but you are His temple. His temple should be the best that He designed it to be.
M...move more! Turn it off and get up.
N...no excuses any more! Now is the time!
O....one day at a time! Get through today and tomorrow will take care of its self!
P...prayer. God will help you make it through. Rely on Him!
Q...quit waiting for Monday, the first of the month, or year, or after this or ...... just do it.
R....rough! It may get rough but keep looking at your goal!
S....stick to it and you will see success. Don't give up!
T...take time for yourself. If you are selfish in getting healthy, your family will have you around longer.
U...unhealthy...gone are the days of being unhealthy!
V...victory is sweet. Reaching goals is fabulous!
W...weigh once a week. Don't weigh every day! Those scales are crazy!
X...x-cited! OK not a x but! Get excited about getting healthy!
Y...you can do it! Remind yourself of that everyday!
Z....zealous attitude. This just means go at it with enthusiasm! Don't think about what you cannot have think nut about what you can and how you are going to succeed!

NO SURGERY FOR ME

2010-01-22T12:55:00.000-08:00

"You look so good since you had surgery." That's the statement I heard last week from someone. It was offensive to me. Why? Because I didn't! I have worked really hard to lose the weight I have lost and it was not from surgery.

I am so proud that I didn't have surgery when I had to opportunity. I am glad that for me I have taken the road less traveled. I probably would have lost my weight quicker but I think I have changed more by not having surgery. I am not belittling anyone for having it. I did what was best for me.

So if anyone ask you, NO I didn't have surgery. For me it's been all about eating right, exercise, water, and prayer!

Exercise!

2010-01-22T09:59:00.001-08:00

I haven't written anything for a month. I guess I haven't had much to say. Nah I have always have something to say.

Over the last two years I have done lots of exercises. Walking inside and outside, stationary bike, my blue bike, walking video, Curves, and personal training. I was walking with Darla and Shauna this week and Darla reminded me of what it was like when I first started exercising. It was so hard! I could barely walk 4 or 5 laps around our church gym before needing to sit down. There were many people there to lie to me. They would lie and say "I don't know how many we've walked. Come on we have a few more." They lied for my best interest. Ok It wasn't lying.

Not only have I had many different exercises but I've had many people be there while exercising. Diana, Tina Lee, Susie, Pennie, Abbie, the girls, Candi, Needra, Kerri, Michelle, Melissa, Shauna, Chastity, Suzonne, Mother, Darla, Peggy H. and Stephen! OH MY GOODNESS I hope I didn't forget anyone. I've had some people to walk with me down the journey!

What has been going on the last few weeks? Workouts! Love Workout Wednesdays! Each Wednesday, four of us stay after church and work out with Stephen. Stephen is our Bob and Jillian. Of course he is much nicer. This doesn't mean he doesn't push us. He does. The only thing I dread is the soreness that usually comes two days later! This week I was sore the morning after.

It's funny how I went from dreading the exercising to craving it. I know I've lost my mind! I try to do some kind of exercise between 5 and 6 days a week. It makes me feel good and it makes me get to my goal faster.

The only thing I have left to say is this...take it a day at a time and get up and move! IT WILL MAKE LIFE BETTER!

The short list

2009-12-25T15:47:00.001-08:00

I have been wanting to write but my computer is messed up. So my sister in law has let me borrow hers!

The list! I have been making a mental note about things I want to do or not do when I reach goal.

1. No more shopping at big girl only stores. Actually this is beginning to happen. This week I went into Stage and founds some shirts! For some of you this is not a big thing but for a girl who has had to shop at big girl only stores...IT'S A BIG DEAL.
2. Six Flags....I am going and going to ride every ride that I can - twice. I remember going once and having to ride in the seat by myself and it was so humiliating! No more of that! Don't forget SUSIE that you are going with me!
3. Hot air balloon ride... don't ask why this is on the list. I really don't know.
4. I'm going to run not walk in a 5k...hey I might even go for a marathon!
5. No more worries about chairs with arms.
6. I'm going on the road as a motivational speaker...I'm going to tell about Jesus first. Then I am going to share how about my weight loss journey and tell about all the people who prayed, supported, and helped me!

That's all for right now. I have more on the list but right now that's it!

It's going to happen.

Beauty

2009-11-25T20:54:00.000-08:00

People should think before they speak.

Today I was told that I was so much prettier now. While I realize this statement has truth in it, it had the potential to be very hurtful.

Here's my opinion/attitude. I know that my beauty does not come from the outside. I know that I am not going to the casting call for America's Next Top Model. Whether I am over 400 pounds or 150 pounds, my beauty is on the inside. My beauty is not set by weight. It is set by the characteristics that God blessed me with to make people feel special and know that they are loved.

So today when this lady commented on my beauty ... it was like water off a duck's back. Her voiced opinion, even though she thought she was throwing a compliment, did not really mean anything. But if I had to tell her anything...think before you speak.

The stairs vs the elevator! Who won?

2009-11-24T20:30:00.001-08:00

We left for the Louisiana Baptist Convention's Youth Evangelism Conference on Sunday. Feeling strong, I was ready to tackle being gone and out of my routine. I loaded my snacks into my bag and set my mind that I would good. What I didn't know is that I would be challenged to decide....stairs or elevator?

Day 1....getting on the elevator to head the 4th floor..yeah the 4th floor!!!.....with my luggage...anyone who knows me knows I don't pack light! There I was waiting on the elevator when I heard a Bob (Biggest Loser) voice..."you gonna take that elevator?" Was it a question or a challenge? It was a challenge....I responded with "NO I'm taking the stairs!" Reminder....4th floor heavy bag!

I won the challenge! I made it up the stairs with my bag and my pride! Thinking back to the old me...I might have made it to the second floor without giving up and taking the elevator. There was a voice in my head saying ...go go go ands some of my guys and girls surrounding me supporting me to do it. I beat the stairs!

That's not the only challenge I won! My girls made a pack with me that they would take the stairs with me every time. Not all of them went with me every time but I had at least one of them with me while taking the stairs each and every time I went up and down.

We were there 3 days...Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday.... Monday night was loooong day and I was so tired! I hit the hotel and my thoughts started racing. STAIRS OR ELEVATOR? The day had been long, my feet hurt with my cute shoes but I would not be let down by my actions. So when Cierra, Diana, and I came in...we hit the stairs with our purses, bags, and tired feet!

NO elevator! I took the stairs all three days. I didn't do it for my girls or for my trainer! I did it for me because it is one of the battles that I have to win so that I can win the war!

Where am I now?

2009-11-24T20:03:00.007-08:00

It has been too long since I posted. To be honest with everyone August, September, and October brought nothing to post about. I struggled bad through those three months. In reality I probably gained 8 to 10 pounds through those few months.

I wish that I knew where my mind was when making the decisions I was made. It certainly was not on weight loss. It was more about the taste of the food and the excuses I had not to exercise. I made some really stupid choices. Choices to do what felt good and not what was best for me and my health. NO I did not go back to all of the habits that I had when I started but I saw myself adding back in bad habits. It was a struggle!

So where am I today late in November?
I am back on track!

At the beginning of November...something happened. I got up one Sunday morning and decided that I was going to eat right that day, do good, and start over the next day. And that is what I did...I ate right one day, then the next, then the next. I put out a plea with all my friends and family who have supported me since day 1 and they responded with prayer and encouragement.

That same Sunday...a friend stated we would start back walking ....and we did. Walking every day. She reminded me every day we would walk. It took a couple of days and we were back into the swing of things walking and talking a mile. The two of us have even ran a couple of the laps each time we walk...we laugh wondering if those couple of running laps really matter! She encourages me.

Then another friend has become my personal trainer and encourager. We have only trained a few times but just knowing that I have to answer the question "How'd you do this week?" helps me make good choices each day. He is added to my list to take to Oprah.

So many people encourage me...I cannot begin to name everyone that encourages me with a word, smile, text, or FB to help me reach my goal. I feel like I am back on track and it is because of the prayers of my mother!, my fantastic friends and fabulous family.

My dream would be to run ahead and see what life will be like when I reach my goal of 176 pounds. I want to know what I will look like and what I will feel like. Who will I be...me just in a healthy body. I am actually beginning to see me at goal. The old me is goal but the me now can begin to see the new me...coming soon!

Oh you wanna know what I have lost.....a total of 116 pounds!

Sioux Falls - 1000 miles away

2009-08-10T13:59:00.000-07:00

I'm just sitting here thinking about my week in Sioux Falls and my heart is really sad. I had such a blast getting there, being there, and the ride home. Each year there are new experiences. We renew old relationships and build new ones. For weeks and months, I look forward to this trip. Then it's over and back to reality. Don't get me wrong there are so many great things that happened in SF that I want to share with my friends and family at home. It's just hard for it to come and end so quickly.

It's really hard to explain to people about the connection that I have with SF. Unless you have been there, you don't understand. And maybe if you have been there, you still may not understand. I think Jeff T. understands. He told me that he was looking through all the pictures and had to stop because it upset him too much because he was not there. There's just something not quiet explainable.

One of things that we do is park ministry. There are children that come out to the park for VBS and sports camp that are waiting on us each day when we get there. They hang on every word we say. It seems that they are surprised by our unconditional love for them. These children are experiencing the love Christ has for us through our words and actions. Bonds and connections are made on Day 1. There were siblings that made an impression on me. Corey, Caelan, and Austin. Three of the sweetest children you will ever find. They were their waiting on Monday for us. And they were the last to leave on our last day on Thursday. They listen intensively at every Bible story, learned the songs, loved the games and crafts. They experienced every we thing we did like it was the first time. I have no doubt in my mind that it was probably some first for them. I am so glad to be part of planting a seed in their lives in what will hopefully be the beginning of their walk with Jesus.

The other thing that I was thinking about the friendships we build. Cindy, Gayle, Jeff, Julie, Rob, Karen, Chris, John, Ben, Philip!...these are the faces that are sketched in my mind and in my heart that we have seen and spent time with over and over again. They are each special to me in a certain way. It's really hard to only spend one week out of the year with them. They are like family yet we don't get to see them often enough. Each one of them holds a place in my heart. It's like part of my heart was left in SF. God has been good to extend our Christian family beyond our small town.!

Something else that I think about is how much time I get to spend with some of my church family. I don't like riding a 15 passenger van for 4 days but I love the time spent with my folks. You learn so many things about each other some good and some not so good. The conversations we have are priceless! I absolutely love watching Zack, AJ, Brandy, and Ashley interact with each other and with the children. I see the love they have for each other, the love they have for me, and the love they have for the Lord sometime during the week. You think you are close to people before you go but you always learn something new about them!

Bro. Randy is right when he says you will learn something about yourself, something about God, and something about others.
I learned that I have a love for mission beyond even what I knew. I want it to be more than a week of my summer.
I learned that God is faithful and that we should keep on focus on Him. Just check out Nehemiah 1...this is another blog story that is amazing!
I learned that we have all gifts that if we allow God to use us He will.

Although part of my heart feels sad and empty...it is also full of joy and excitement with how used our Louisiana Team.

A FEW OF MY FAVORITE PICTURES

2009-08-10T10:44:00.000-07:00

2009-08-09T13:56:00.000-07:00

Sometime in the last few weeks, I posted a status on my facebook about my weight loss journey. It said .... Laura Lea needs help and support from all my friends and family....you know who you are....the ones that supported and prayed for me as I lost the first 110 pounds. I need you to pray for me to get back in my routine with that determination that I had when I started!

It is amazing how God works. I got several comments about how people would be praying for me and how they knew I could do it. Some people may even be skeptics and think that this is far out there. But I felt the prayers of my friends and family! That day something changed. I could feel it on the inside that I was changing. My determination is now back. It was not easy the last week in South Dakota but I found myself back in a routine. Early breakfast, light lunch, early dinner. No snacking except for those runs to B&G, Milky Way, and DG! But since it was my snack for the evening. I didn't even snack in between meals. I am so glad to be back in the routine of things. The traveling was difficult. Between we ate when we could and what we could. I was looking at pictures from World Changers and Mission trip....I look different too. My smile is back, my face is clear, I just look different. Maybe it's just me! But I couldn't be more excited to know that I am back on track. I have some new goals....25 pounds by December 1st.....100 pounds by August 2010.

I know that I cannot do this by myself. I have to have the support of my family and friends and most importantly I have to rely on my Lord and Savior.
1. Eat 3 meals a day. 2 snacks in between
2. Curves 5 days a week after school
3. Water water water
4. I am going to try and get out and walk....we are not going to come in last at the EL Memorial Walk.

I am still looking for the me. I know that God has blessed me with talents and gifts. I feel like anything I put my mind and heart into that He will help me do. But I also realized this week that there is so much more for me to do and for me to do it...I have to reach my weight loss goal. I can do it. I want Him to use me even more.

Eyesbrowns and broken toenails

2009-08-01T13:46:00.001-07:00

So here I am finally arrived in Sioux Falls, SD. I am sitting with Diana, Pro-Zack, AJ, Ashley, and B Randy. It took us 19 hours 30 minutes and 7 seconds, 1 hotel, two dozen cupcakes, Outback, McDonalds, DQ, penciled in eyesbrowns, fingernail polish remover, broken toenail, running a mile to get a bag, numerous jokes about me and Cradle, tons of laughs, a few tears, a lost ring, millions of text messages, Facebook stalkings, bikes and tattoos, Pro-Zack's two new friends, and talking to each other in our sleeep but we are here and excited!

2009-07-28T16:56:00.000-07:00

We had the best time in Shreveport this week! Diana, Ashley, Rachel and I went to World Changers in Shreveport, the Boardwalk, and to see Aunt Jackie. I have to say where ever we go, we like to have a good time. We don't even care what people think. We were trying on hats and sunglasses and I suddenly I realized we had drawn attention. We were having such a good time that we didn't care that people might find us goofy! So if we brought a smile to someone's day....I'll keep trying on hats and sunglasses!

World Changer

2009-07-20T11:42:00.001-07:00

World Changers came and went in a blur. In the days before we left, I was worried and hesitate not about the work but the heat. I absolutely love WC but there are always some worries before leaving. There are thoughts of excitement and worry. Then before you know it the days have flown by and your back home wishing you were back at World Changers! Eight days ago.....

Day 1... I got to the church late! Not too late just everyone waiting on me and the truck so we could load up. Everyone was super excited to get on the road. We had to head north to turn and go south! We went through Monroe and on to Jackson then headed south toward New Orleans. But we finally arrived after 2 stops for the bathroom, one stop for lunch, two stops for the tarp, and one stop for gas. It took us 7 hours! But we arrived on time!

Day 2.... Dumpsters! That is our crew name for the week! It was exciting to meet everyone from different places! Michaela - Texas! Craziest thing you will find! Olivia - Texas --Excited!
Kandis - Texas! Initial thoughts...quiet! I was wrong! Charles - Crew Chief - laid back! Jennifer - Louisiana! Reserved. Alexis Louisiana! Silent! Our other two members were coming in later. We went to worship at Trinity Baptist at Franklinton. That church is fabulous! They treated us like family.

Day 3...Work Day 1. It was hot. But that is not the hard part. It seemed like we had trouble getting started. We had two crews at our work site. The roofing team had to do some things before we could get started. It was hard to encourage the crew when I needed encouragement myself. We did very little Monday but I continued to pray for God to use us. Worship was amazing. Scott invited us to the altar to write down (on sticky notes) anything that was standing between us and our relationship with Jesus.

Day 4...Work Day 2...Yeah we finally worked today. I got paint on me. Our crew picked up because we actually got to do what we came to WC to do. Worship on Tuesday was my favorite. Concert of Prayer was the most awesome night. It was nice to go in and sit quietly. I think the most impressive thing was when Scott, Bethany, and David walked to the cross, where the sticky notes were, and began to shred them. It was an amazing moment. It has nothing to do with those three people. It was all about how Jesus takes our burdens and we can let it go.

Day 5...Work Day 3...only a half day of work and a half day of play! We had the best time with our group in New Orleans. Riverwalk, Bubba Gumps(coconut shrimp! YUM!), and Cafe De Monde. And the marathon we ran to get back to the van! Quincy was trying to get Kylie to the bathroom. Then the party! We busted up a 10 year anniversary for fraternity at the Hilton trying to get back to the van!

Day 6....Work Day 4...We worked hard getting the whole house painted! Our crew pulled together and worked so good together. It is amazing how God puts together a team and how you grow to love each and everyone of them!

Day 7....Final day of work! We had a busy day trying to finish so we could go to Sonic. It was hot and humid! It started off with rain but finished with sunshine and Sonic. Our crew pulled together and God used us! Later that night.....after closing celebration..I was walking out of the church and I ran into our home owner's family. I was so excited. But the best news...thirteen year old Allison gave her life and heart to Jesus. I was so excited I wanted to tell everyone. Strange thing...I was disappointed because we didn't get to spend much time with the during the week. But God works in amazing ways. Seems that Allison was watching from the window and porch. She and her brothers fell in love with me and I didn't even know. I guess you can be a witness to someone even through a window.

Day 8...the day to go home. Saying goodbye was hard. I really truly believe that some of our friends from WC 09 we will see again. They are friends for a lifetime. Diana and I are making plans to visit Texas! There was some grouchiness on the way home mostly from being tired. But everyone was glad for a great week, new friends, and to going home to our own beds.

I love World Changers and cannot wait until next year! God is amazing and awesome!

If your happy and you know it....

2009-07-05T20:21:00.000-07:00

First of all, thanks everyone who continues to read my blog.

Sometimes I just don't know what to write but I found something to write about.

Writing is like therapy! Recently I got my feelings hurt because I wasn't included. It really bothered me. My feelings where hurt and I am usually tough as nails. I didn't understand why I was left out and still don't. Besides all of that, it made me think about how many times that I probably left someone out and it hurt their feelings like it did mine. Maybe God used this to teach me a lesson. I don't like learning lesson sometimes! I'm going to do better.

People like to be around me I hope! I like to have a good time. I like to be around people. I love to laugh and make people smile. My mother tells me people just like to be around me. I guess it's from my great personality(HA) not too humble though!

I think the joyful attitude started with actually pretending. People don't like to be around people who are negative. I had a lot to be negative about when I was a kid. Mainly because I was the largest one in every situation. So instead of turning in I turned out. Laughing, having fun, being happy so people liked me even though I was overweight.

I think overtime people just grew to overlook my weight and love me for my fun personality. My mother always worried that I couldn't be serious. I know when to be serious and all the other time love life. So people liked to be around me because I am happy. As I grew older, it became me. I don't remember when I decided to be happy all the time and forget about my weight. As large as I was and still am, it never stopped me.

My weight watcher leader told when I received my 1oo pound award that she remembered a very sad looking young lady who walked through the doors of WW. I never felt unhappy. I guess I just looked it during that time.

Hey don't think that I don't have depressing days I do but most of the time I AM HAPPY! So everyone don't worry be happy!

I know you probably raised an eyebrow when I said pretending. I guess overtime I just got tired of pretending. I really do love life and like to have a good time. If you like me good, if you don't I don't care! I am going to be happy and have fun and love life! I have a Savior who loves me and cherishes me. So I'm happy and I know it!

In a newsletter

2009-06-11T14:40:00.000-07:00

I wanted to share the article that was in the Curves newsletter from this month. First I must tell you that a couple of weeks ago Cindy Nunn(from Curves) told me that she wanted to feature me in the newsletter. I thought wow! I am always impressed with the ladies that are featured each month. Now she was asking me! Wow I say. It took us a couple of tries and finally we were about to talk. Cindy told me that I could answer then now or bring them by to her later.

Some of the questions were Would I recommended Curves and Why?
How has it helped me? Health related? Any obstacles? How do I stay committed?
Atmosphere?

The next day I brought the questions and answers back to her. We also talked and I shared some other things with her. Cindy is the sweetest thing and so encouraging! She told me she would work on it and run it by me before printing it.

A few days went by and she called me. She wanted to get my approval. As she read it to me, I was amazed at how she took what I told her and developed it! I had tears in my eyes as she shared it with me over the phone.

I wanted to share it with all of you ... my support! Remember the reason for the article is to promote Curves but it did way more than that for me.

The following is the article:

A CURVES STAR: SHE IS HALF WAY THERE AND CONTINUES TO PRESS ON

CURVES MEMBER LAURA SPANGLER, IS ON A MISSION. A MISSION TO TAKE CARE OF HER HEALTH. IN JANUARY 2008, LAURA DECIDED TO BEGIN HER WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM WHICH INCLUDES HEALTHILY EATING AND EXERCISE. SHE SET A GOAL OF INCREMENTS OF 30-50 POUNDS OF WEIGHT LOSS UNTIL SHE IS DOWN TO HER GOAL WEIGHT OF 176. HER BEGINNING WEIGHT: 438 LBS. TO DATE, LAURA HAS LOST 111 POUNDS! THAT ACHIEVEMENT IS SO ADMIRABLE AND SHE WILL BE THE FIRST TO TELL YOU, IT IS HARD WORK. SHE HAS TO DO THE WORK BUT ALSO STATES THAT LOVE , SUPPORT, AND ACHIEVEMENT OF HER FAMILY AND FRIENDS IS INSTRUMENTAL IN HELPING HER OBTAIN HER GOAL. FOR INSTANCE, SHE SAYS "MY FRIENDS AND I CALL CURVES OUR "THERAPY SESSIONS!" WE WORK OUT, TALK AND RELEASE DAILY STRESS. FINDING EXTRA TIME TO EXERCISE IS HARD BUT THAT IS WHAT IS GREAT ABOUT CURVES. IT ONLY TAKES 30 MINUTES 3 TIMES A WEEK. I WOULD RECOMMEND IT TO ANYONE WHO HAS A BUSY LIFESTYLE. SOMETIMES I HAVE TO DISCIPLINE MYSELF TO GO BUT I STAY MOTIVATED KNOWING THAT I HAVE FRIENDS WAITING ON ME WHO HAVE ALSO REAPED THE BENEFITS FROM THE CURVES WORKOUT. SHE IS HALF WAY THERE! WATCH HER THIS TIME NEXT YEAR. SHE WILL REACH HER GOAL. SHE, HER FAMILY, FRIENDS AND SISTERS AT CURVES ARE GOING TO CONTINUE TO ENCOURAGE HER TO SEE HER DREAM BECOME A REALITY. WE TRULY LOVE AND ADMIRE YOU, LAURA. PRESS ON!

I was so proud of that piece! Cindy did a great job of taking my answers and our talk and turning it into some so special. I know that it was a way of promoting Curves but it increased my motivation!

Thanks Cindy! She even told me that her husband proof reads everything and he was inspired/motivated by it!

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:8-9

The Voices in my Head

2009-05-28T21:06:00.000-07:00

I cannot describe not only how hard it is to lose weight but also to keep it off. I still have 152 pounds to go and it is hard.

Every thought or decision that I make deals with my weight loss. What to eat or not, exercise or not, what time to eat, how much exercise, too much too little, can I get away this or not, can't I just enjoy this one thing, what will the scales say. Weight encompasses your entire life.

Disappointment sets in.

I get so much negative talk and thoughts from myself.

I skipped Weight Watchers meetings for several weeks and Curves for a couple of weeks. Last week I hit the exercise circuit hard. Pushing myself to get to the new goal I have. 30 pounds by the first week of school which by the way is around my birthday. I want to be under 300 pounds by the time I am 35. So 299 by August 15th. I don't care who knows what I weigh. I don't want to go back and I don't want to stay here either!

So I worked so hard on the exercise. The food part is harder than the exercise. Cravings! It's so hard.

So I worked my tail off and went back to WW tonight. When I weighed in tonight, I had lost .8.
I felt the disappointment rising in me. I know I really lost 3.8 pounds. See I had gained 3 pounds while not working out. But the disappointment is still there. Funny thing is it makes me what to eat something naughty. The feelings creep up inside of me to say "I am going to throw my hands up and say I DON'T CARE I'M EATING IT. I'LL DEAL IT WITH IT TOMORROW."

I hate to hear life is hard. Yeah I know. It is hard. Life is hard. Dieting is hard. Waiting is hard. Staying on track is hard.

Sometimes I get tired of the fight. But then there is the voice that I hear say. Don't go backwards. Then I hear another voice say I am proud of you. Another You can do it. NO its not the voices in my head. At least not my own voice. It's Daniel, Mama, Jason, Susie, Abbie, Diana, my girls, Tina, Pennie, Janie, Chastity, Ms. Laura(WW), Michawn, Melissa....just to name a few......if I didn't name you....you are just as important......oh it is so many familiar voices that love me and want me not only to succeed but to live. But more importantly it's the Holy Spirit's voice saying I with you...trust Me.....Rely on Me.

It is hard. And you know the reality. It's never going to be easy. Now or when I reach goal. Not going to be easy. But I am glad to know that I have a huge support group whispering in my ear telling me to keep moving toward the goal to be the best that God has designed me to be.

299 hear I come by August 15!

Never get a second chance to make a first impression

2009-05-25T05:38:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I wrote. Life has been kinda been stinkin' boring the last month.

I have been really thinking about writing again but really couldn't think of anything worth writing about. Then yesterday my mind was running with thoughts while getting ready for church.

The thoughts started while washing my hair; thinking about if I should wear it curly or straight. Then I thought should I wear my brown skirt or new cute white shirt. I struggle every time I go somewhere with what to wear. I usually go through several outfits before settling on something. I try to pick out the night before but sometimes I have to try on numerous things before I can get out the door.

My thoughts of how to look to get out the door turned into thoughts about first impressions. As a single girl this is very important. I have to walk out the door looking like I am ready to go meet my prince. What if I look like I just rolled out of bed? Not a good impression. For the last few days, I have been getting up, bathing, fixing hair enough to get out the door, putting on clothes to exercise in. Least to say...not too impressive. Functional!

For people that have known me, you have loved me and didn't care my size. You loved me for me.

I am so glad to have friends in my life that don't look at the outward appearance that look at my heart. Those are the people who matter. Those people can see the change I've been through. Those are the people who will be invited to the party.For all the others...

Unless you have been extremely obese, you might not understand this. But when you are overweight the looks that you get from people are astounding. They may have not said anything but I could imagine what they were saying with their eyes. Up and down looks. Wondering how I could have gotten to that point. I don't really get those looks that say pathetic as much. But I still wonder about what people are thinking of me even at the overweight size I am now. Sometimes it makes me what to scream to people....you just don't know! I would love to wear a T-shirt that has a before and after picture.

Sometimes I feel the need to show my picture of before and after to people who didn't know me before. A couple of months ago some friends of mine got together with some friends of theirs and we all ended being friends. This new guy and I became instant friends laughing and cutting up. After we had been out for a while, I felt that need to show him my picture. He told me he didn't need see my picture that I was beautiful the way I was. Oh my. (He was a playa!)

But you know he was right. I've been beautiful for a long time. Even before he recognized it.

Since I can remember 1 Samuel 16:7 has been my favorite verse.

1 Samuel 16:7 (New International Version)
7 But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."

First impressions are largely based on the outward appearance. Like it or not that is society. I know that I will still worry about making a good first impression based on the outward appearance but I pray that my heart will show through and that is what people will walk away saying she is a beautiful person because of that.

What an opportunity!

2009-04-15T18:16:00.001-07:00

I try to weigh in when I go out of town so that it can keep me on track. Last year I weighed in while at Janie's and also while in Sioux Falls. I was determined to weigh in at Weight Watcher while at Janie's this time too. Weighing in help me keep on track and holds me accountable!

God can work in amazing ways. Today while in Waldorf, I went to a the local WW meeting. I thought the weigh in started at 5 and the meeting at 5:30. When I got there, about 5 or 6 ladies were sitting around. I was going to weigh in and leave because Janie and Eli were waiting for me.

The leader preceded to tell me that the meeting didn't start until 6:30 and weigh in at 6. But she told me she would go ahead and weigh me. I LOST 1.8. Making my total 111. Yeah me!

That is not the important part of this entry. As I was weighing in, I told the leader my total weight loss. She was so excited. She asked me on the spot if I would speak at the meeting. Well it was the pre-meeting. She told me that once a month she holds a pre-meeting for those that have lost their mo-jo!

Before I knew it, I was sharing my story...I like to say testimony.....with a group of ladies that needed some encouragement. I told them how I got started, how I had struggled, and where I am now...and of course how I got here. I made sure that I included that God is my strength and prayer is so important.

The leader made the statement that she saw a future leader! Of course, if you know me, I am not shy and love talking.

After leaving Weight Watchers, I prayed that God would use me in a mighty way. My prayer is that as I lose weight and continue to toward goal that He will receive the glory! I know that God has used my weight loss journey and will continue to use me through this journey to minister to people. I cannot wait for the other opportunities He has for me!

How can I keep from singing Your praise!! How can I ever say enough! How amazing is Your love! How can I keep from shouting Your name!! I know I am loved by the King !!! And it makes my heart want to sing!!!

Be nice!

2009-04-10T19:41:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you about my experience today.

Janie and I shopped most of the day. We had one more stop to make before heading to get groceries. The one stop was for hose! Ok I hate hose but with the dress I am wearing I am going to try to wear them.

Janie dropped me off at the door and I ran in. When I got in the worker spoke. I spoke back. Then I asked her if she would help me find the right size. Ok she was not busy. She raised her hand in the direction of the hose and said they are back there. She never took a step. I said I need help deciding the size. (Because of my 11o pounds loss! Yeah!) She said most people look at the back. I heard nothing else from her. She offered NO help. It bothered me for a few reasons.

1. It was a plus size store. She was a 100 pounds wet. That bothers me. She probably has no idea what it is like for a big girl to go into a store and find clothes. Why is a skinny girl working in a big girl store?
2. If you are going to work in the public, then you need to know you are working in the public. If you cannot be nice to someone, then get a job where you are all alone!

I know people have bad days but she was just not nice. It bothered me.

Did you hear it?

2009-04-04T05:01:00.000-07:00

Did you that noise Thursday night? Well, that was me screaming after weighing in at Weight Watchers Thursday night. When I weighed in, I had lost 6.4 pounds. I was so excited I was doing a cheerleader dance! I am now at my lowest weight since I started. I have lost 109.2 pounds. Just wait I'm on my way now! It's going to keep going down.

I don't know when it happened but I got a renewed commitment! Since November I have not been doing anything to brag about. My desire for food and been more than my desire to get healthy.. But for some reason it's been like I just started. I told someone the other day that I feel like I did when I first started. Excited maybe? I have been back on track. Not eating between meals. Even that feeling of wanting to eat when I wasn't hungry is gone. I haven't been focused on it.

I was telling a friend this week I know why it has gotten easier. Someone is praying for me. I cannot explain it but I feel like someone is praying over me. I know some may say that is weird but I have to give credit where it is due. God is good all the time God is good.

So where am I now? I am on my way to getting to goal. I know that I have a few miles to walk and a few more battles to win but I have my God on my side. I have my friends and family on my side. And yeah somebody's praying me through....

Somebody's Praying Me Through
Pressing over me like a big blue sky
I know someone has me on their heart tonight
That’s why I know it’s gonna be alright
‘Cause somebody’s praying me through
Somebody’s praying me through
It may be my Mother, it might be my Dad
Or an old friend I’ve forgot I had
But whoever it is I’m so glad that
Somebody’s praying me through
Through the tears, through the rain
Through the sorrow, through the pain
It keeps bringing me through
Over and over again
So when you’re drowning in a sea of hurt
And it feels like life couldn't get any worse
There’s a blessing waiting to push back the curse
‘Cause somebody’s praying you through
Somebody’s praying you through
Someone got down on their knees and prayed for me
Somebody’s, somebody’s praying you through

A great weekend

2009-04-01T21:28:00.000-07:00

This past weekend was a blur. Friday night I went to the church and worked on Hee-Haw Dinner Theater. Mary and Ms. Tina were there painting! Helping me get ready! Weathered the storm together. I was back at the church Saturday for more decorating. Mary was back and so was Robert, Isaac, and Michael. They did a good job!
Then off Saturday night to the Old Timer's game. Oh my that was too much fun. Watching people from high school play was just exciting. The only thing is that I didn't remember how rough girls play. Those girls were serious about winning a basketball game. Then came the boys. They represented well. I always did like to watch the boys play.
Then we were off to Chilli's after the game. Boomer, Abbie, Diana, Amy, Jessie, Jason, and Derek. Can I say craziness? First of all which one of my friends told our new friend about the Red Door? What will people say? Not funny. Boomer and Abbie are both a mess! Why did it take so long to find out Jason and Jessie are fabulous? Diana always makes me laugh. Amy is just great. Derek. He just fits right in.
Sunday was a busy day. Sunday morning, we had a guest speaker at church. He is someone I know because he was friends with my dad. I was glad to get to hear him speak. His life has taken a drastic change in the last year. God is using him in a mighty way.
Sunday evening was so busy. I worked all afternoon on the last minute things for Hee-Haw. I am so proud of how Hee-Haw Dinner Theater turned out. Everything went so well. There were people who I never thought would sing..they sang. The food was excellent. The jokes corny...yet funny. The costumes! Too much. We looked like a bunch of rednecks! I couldn't have made it without all the help. Painting, raising a barn, cooking, cleaning, telling jokes, serving! These people were working for Jesus. We raised somewhere around $1500 for a our Summer Mission Trip! Yeah. Money for helping us go tell others about Jesus.
Sunday night we hung out again at Sonic and froze! We moved over to McDonald's where it was warm. Shame on Jessie for laughing while Boomer was praying! I don't know when I laughed as hard at anything as I did at Boomer and Abbie and their words of the day! They could have a radio talk show. I would listen every morning. I was so tired Monday from a great weekend! I stayed up way to late and got up way to early.
If you made it down this far, you are probably wondering why I am writing about my crazy busy weekend. I think it is because I wanted to stress the friends thing! I love being able to hang out from my great friends. They make me laugh, they keep me on the straight, they listen when I need a ear! I love great friends. Philippians 1:3 says I thank my God every time I remember you. I thank God for great friends.
And you know this is just one set of friends I have. I have more that I could write about that I didn't get to hang out with this weekend. Don't worry!!! There will be stories about them soon.

My list

2009-03-10T19:14:00.000-07:00

I have been stuck lately. I have had a cycle of gain then loss, then gain. then loss. Such a vicious cycle. I have struggled. I want to eat good stuff not stuff good for me. Today I emailed my first (let me say outstanding) Weight Watcher leader. I basically begged her to come back and for advice to get back on track. I want to find that momentum that I had when I first started. She recommended me writing a list. So here is my list. OK it is more than one list.

List 1 - List the all the good things that have happened since I started.
1. I feel better.
2. I look better.
3. I have more confidence in reaching goals.
4. I can go into more stores and find clothes that fit.
5. I have to have a belt!

List 2 List accomplishments
1. I have lost more than 100 pounds.
2. I was brave and FLEW to see Janie.
3. I walked a 5k. Yahoo - I am going to do it again.
4. I danced at the Old Timers game. OH MY OH ME
5. No more blood pressure medicine!
6. I did it without surgery. That certain person don't have to ask my if I am going to have surgery. I can do it without surgery.

List 3 -List all the bad things that could happen if I stay off track.
1. Blood pressure could go up!
2. I could gain that 100 pounds back.
3. I would feel bad and be tired all the time.
4. I would have to face everyone who is on my side that wants me to lose weight. OUCH.
5. I could get that puffy look again.

List 4 - Final list - Setting my goal!
1. I will lose 5 pounds this week.
2. I will go to Curves every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. NO EXCUSES.
3. I will exercise during nap time at school on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
4. I will lose 20 pounds by May 1st. That is two months!!! That is 10 pounds a month.

Everyone that I know is going to need to get by my side. I need prayer. I need encouragement. I need friends. I need help. Did I mention prayer?

Unchangeable, Unshakeable, Unstoppable That's what You Are!

2009-03-03T17:49:00.000-08:00

I haven't been writing much lately. Believe it or not I have to feel it. You know it has to come to me. If I were writing for a living, I would starve and I mean starve. I even opened up my dashboard to get ready to write and nothing. NOTHING. NOTHING.

Then I started thinking about it came to me. Actually it happened to me.

Yesterday, I was suppose to go to my cousin's surgery at Baylor and because of a few circumstances I didn't go. I already had the day scheduled to be off, so I stayed home and washed clothes and cleaned house...oh yeah tried to watch some stories! Oh my!!! daytime television is so strange. It is not real life!

I spent the day by myself. I ran to the store at lunch because I was out of water but the rest of the day I spent alone. I am not an alone person. I like people. I like to be around people. By the day's end I was feeling the onset of depression. I don't like that feeling. I sat in my recliner and decided I had to get up, take a bath, and go to Walmart so I could see real people.

I don't really fight depression too much. Don't think I am unstable. I don't fight to get up in the morning or anything. There are only a few times that I have felt really alone. In fact, I can remember the two loneliest times in my life. One was in high school and the other was last year.

One of my hardest years in high school was 10th grade. I decided that I could have an attitude. I had attitude with my parents, friends, teachers, whoever spoke to me. I don't remember what was really going on. I don't know why exactly I going through such a change. I remember being in trouble at school more than one time. I spent several days in Mr. Anders' office. He had several talks with me. One day I stayed at home sick and he called my mother to see if I was okay. I was so mad. Now I am grateful. That was the first year I was at school without Jason. He had graduated the year before. Maybe that is why. During this time, I remember one day at home curling up in the corner of my bed and crying and crying. Until recently, I really never talked about it. Nothing had happened. I just remembered how alone I felt. Thank goodness for a living God that loves me and sent me family and friends that love me. Things got better and I got better.

The other time was last summer. The last day of summer vacation. I was at home. I sat down in the recliner and started crying. Crying and snotting. I was so upset. I felt so alone. I had a very busy summer. I had been to St. Louis, home a day, Washington, home 2 days and South Dakota. This was the day I got home from SD. I had spent 3 days by myself in 4 weeks. I was finally home and was sad. I called Pennie. I needed her to tell me ...you are tired. You had a busy summer. You are going to be ok. Tomorrow is a new day. I needed to hear those things. She told me those things. I got up and got ready and went to Walmart. Still crying but under control! The next day was Sunday. I was somewhat better. But I cried for two more days. Then it was my birthday and school started. I got better but I still remember that feeling I had.

There are so many people out there that have days, weeks, or months like my two days. I am glad to have the love of a Savior. A love from friends and family to help me get thru these tough times. When I was writing this, I remembered one of my favorite songs. Here are the words.

You are not a god Created by human hands You are not a god Dependant on any mortal man You are not a god In need of anything we can give By Your plan, that’s just the way it is

You are God alone From before time began You were on Your throne Your are God alone And right now In the good times and bad You are on Your throne You are God alone

You’re the only God Whose power none can contend You’re the only God Whose name and praise will never end You’re the only God Who’s worthy of everything we can give You are God And that’s just the way it is

Unchangeable Unshakable Unstoppable That’s what You are

Thank God He is Who He is! He holds me in His mighty hand!

The grass is always greener...just enjoy the grass

2009-02-13T20:23:00.000-08:00

I had a discussion with a friend today about the grass. The green grass. The grass is always greener on the other side. If I have this and you have that, I want that and you want this. HA!

I don't have kids or a husband. I want both. I want God to hurry and drop that man into my life. I want to meet and marry that man God has just for me. I want kids. I am being real honest. It bothers me sometimes when I get to thinking that all my friends have husbands, husbands/kids. I'm sure you have heard someone say...."Others have it why cannot I." " Ole' so and so have a great guy and she don't deserve him." "They don't take care of there kids....I am going to be a good Mommy....."

I have me. I have family. I love my family. I have a great family. But at the end of the day, I go home alone. Wait! Don't feel sorry for me. I have lots of family and lots of friends. I get to do whatever I want without asking or planning around them. I can go when I need to go and stay as long as I want.

OK so where does the grass thing come from. I want what others have and others want what I have. They would not give up their families. They want a few minutes by themselves. Time to take a bath without on knock on the door. Time to just sit in the recliner.

The point is that the grass is greener on the other side.

My friend make this point.
One person has a truck the other person has nothing. They would love the truck. The person with the truck looks at other person that has the bigger truck.

One person has shoes the other person has old ratty ones. The needy one would like a better pair. The first person would like the best.

See the grass is greener. I think what I need to work on along with millions of other Americans is to be content with what I have. I am blessed to have what I do. I have a house, job, food, and clothes. I may not have the best but I have what is best for me.
In Philippians, Paul talks about being content in all things in 4:10-12 but don't stop there....verse 13 says I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. So how can we be content? Focus on the 3 P's - Perspective - look what at what you have not what others have. Priorities - focus on what is really important. Power - remember you strength and contentment comes from Christ.

My grass is so green and I am enjoying every minute of it.

People are so mean

2009-02-04T04:45:00.000-08:00

I went to a ballgame recently. The guy behind me was mouthing at the ref. It was funny because most of the time he was right. But something hit me wrong. I heard him call out some names that bothered me. He was calling one of the players a name. Then he referred to one of the refs as the fat one. That one really bothered me. By the way, I know the guy that was sitting behind me. I am not upset with him but he did get me to thinking.

I cannot tell you how many times that I had heard things, mean things said to me. I have been called names to my face and behind my back. I have been called fat, a whale, Shammou. I can tell you those things are hurtful.

I can think of different times that I really got my feelings hurt. I thank God that he has let me forget most of the hurtful things that have been said.

I cannot remember a time when I haven't had a weight problem. Elementary school was no different. I was always bigger than the other students. There was this guy that I thought was so cute. OK I was like 11. I thought he was fantastic. Until one day. We were playing around after school and he called me a water buffalo. OH YEAH! It hurt my feelings so bad. That was it. I decided to ignore him and I didn't care. That started it. I would not speak if he spoke to me. It hurt my feelings so bad. Funny thing. He told his mother I was being ugly to him! But he failed to tell her that he called me an ugly name. Shame on him. But shame on me because even after that I still thought he was cute. Ugh!

Then...in high school. I was at a local grocery store with a friends of mine. We talking and laughing with her boss the manager. Somehow the subject came up about me getting a job. His immediate comment was "she is fat." I am not talking about a child. This was an adult. ADULT in age but child in maturity. It took me a long time to even go back in. My mother and daddy did not shop in that store for a long time. I ignore him for a long time. But I have to think now that yeah I was the bigger person in that situation but not by weight.

On into college.....I was graduating from college looking for a job. At NSU, we had a teacher job fair where school systems came in and you could interview with them. Things went well that day. I interview with lots of parishes. Promising places. But one place would have had to be the last job in La for me to go to. The conversation was going pretty well when he asked me a question. I quote...So how do you think you can get up and down off the floor with those kids being that big? I was so shocked. How could a professional ask me that! He did though. Needless to say...I came back to my parish where there are people who love me for me.

Things don't change...when I first started losing weight everyone was so excited for me. But I had someone make a comment to me. I hope that they really didn't mean the way it sounded but it was hurtful. I was told that if I keep losing that then she would be the biggest one at work. It really bothered me. It was like saying you big fat thing. I think that she didn't mean it the way it came out.

So why am I talking about this now. You remember the old saying:
Sticks and stones may break my bones but words with never hurt me. Words do hurt. Wounds from sticks and stones will heal usually quickly but words hurt for a long time. Words cannot be put back in. I did a children's message one time using toothpaste. You know once you squeeze the toothpaste out, it don't go back in. The same with words. They cannot be put back in no matter how many apologies are spoken.

Be careful little words what you say because words do hurt.

Relating our lives

2009-01-03T07:05:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I spent most of the day at home. I decided to search Weight Watchers on YouTube. I really found some interesting people. I found people who vlog, yes, vlog. Video blogging. I also found segments from national TV shows. It was all very interesting.

I watched videos most of the day. Watching these made me realize I am not alone, I can do it, and how grateful that I should be for family and friends. I am going to make some comments today that may sound judgemental. It is not intended to be. It is more about evaluating my own situation and learning from it.

I had heard about this first lady and had seen her on TV. She was on ABC Morning Show with Diana Sawyer. She is truly an inspirational story. She has lost over 500 hundred pounds. She weighed over 700 lbs. She now weights 170. She has been on Oprah. It was an amazing thing. After a birthday present from her sister, her life changed. No it wasn't a personal trainer. It was a computer; something she could put her focus on besides food. She said she had not been out of the apartment for 12 years hold. I am so glad to have friends and family that would get me out of the house after a few days. I am so glad that at my biggest I was still active. For her it was not magic diet, it was changing her focus. Her story gives me courage. I know that if a 40 something year old lady who had to 500 pounds to drop can do it so can I!

Another lady was on the Joy Fit Club. She lost 240 pounds in 18 months. She could fit her whole body into one leg of her old jeans. It was so amazing how different she looked. I see me in her because she has struggled with weight loss for a long time...since childhood. What was so interesting about her was that she became so obsessed with dieting that she became anorexic. She had to learn to quit eating the bad things and to eat enough of the good things. She is healthy now- right where she needs to be. Her story reminds me that I have to know that this has to be a lifestyle change and not a diet.

I don't know how many times I have texted Diana during a WW meeting. Mostly when a skinny girl walks in. UGH! Seriously, I know that someones 20 extra pounds is as hard to lose as my 200 pounds I need to shed. NO fear! I did find a girl who has a YouTube vlog that didn't make me go UGH. I watched all her videos from Weigh-in 1 to Weigh-in 25. She started around the same time I did but with much less weight to loss. Again I didn't say UGH. I realize that our struggle is the same - unhealthy weight. No matter the number, we both have to lose. She was very encouraging. I didn't watch all 25 videos! But I watched enough and I hope that she reaches her goal and becomes a lifetime member.

One of my favorites is a lady who lost 213 pounds. Why do I like her? A few reasons. I am actually a about 75 pounds heavier than her when we both started. But when I look at her I see me. I actually showed someone the picture of her and they said that looks like you. When I saw the after picture of her, I said I can be that size. Another reason I like her is because she used Weight Watchers. It worked for her. It is working for me. I guess it all comes down to the fact that I can relate to her.

Kim, Nancy, Amy, whoever.... Laura -that's me. I cannot wait until the day that someone is writing about me. The day that my life relates to theirs.

Old things pass away...behold everything new

2008-12-31T17:16:00.000-08:00

One more note...

It is so hard to say goodbye sometimes. It can be a struggle. I guess I just have to remember the good and say goodbye to the bad. And look forward to the new in the new year. Old things pass away behold everything new.

New goals for a new year

2008-12-31T16:41:00.000-08:00

Today is the last day of this year. What a year it has been. There has been some note worthy things to remember.

One of unbelievable things that happened this year was my little brother getting married. It was a shock. OK the shock was that he asked Kelly and set the date for two weeks later. Yes two weeks. I was upset at first. Not because they were getting married. I wanted them to. It was because he wanted to get married on the weekend that I had a trip planned. But was okay because I love them both. It was a beautiful ceremony.

Another unbelievable thing that happened was that I flew to DC to spend a week with Joe, Janie, and Eli. It was fabulous. I loved it. Several months ago I would have never even considered flying. I guess because I was afraid. Afraid of my size. Afraid of not fitting into a space. Afraid of many things that a normal sized person would not consider. Afraid. But the day I left I was so excited and not scared at all. At the time, I had lost about 70 or 80 pounds. I really think that Mother, Daniel, Jason were more afraid than I was. I cannot wait for April when I take my ANNUAL trip to see Janie, Joe, and Eli.

I had to edit my writing today because I forgot something that happened that was very important. I walked a 5K. It was fabulous. When Jennifer asked me to do it, I was not even hesitant. I mainly wanted to walk to bring honor to Steve. I know that he would have been proud of me. I also walked because I could walk. I knew that I could do it. I kinda questioned that I could do it when it hit the second mile BUT I had a fantastic cheer team that inspired me to go on.. We did it. We made it through the first, second, and third mile. We did not skip corners, blocks, or steps. We were not first or even in the middle. We were last. But next year we will be in the middle. We will finish. I will finish. One day we will run and finish!

Something else happened too. My life took an upward turn. I know I lost 100 pounds (duh) but that is just the physical change. I look back at the pictures and I don't remember that I even looked that way. I have had so many people say that to me. "I don't remember you looking like that." I was talking to a friend the other day. She said that I was just me. You know big, medium, or small...just me.

I sometimes worry about what I will look like and be like when I get to my goal. Sometimes I am afraid. What will I be like? I really hope that I am me, wonderful me, HA, just the best me that God designed me to be..inside and out.

I didn't make any resolutions for 2008 and I am not going to make any for 2009. I am going to make goals. My goal for 2009 is to lose an ADDITIONAL 100 pounds. I cannot wait. I look forward to a new year with a new goal. I look forward to new adventures and new things. I look forward to finding the new me in 2009.

I was going to wait

2008-12-23T09:21:00.000-08:00

I could not wait anymore.

I love commercials. Hallmark. You know the ones that make you tear up. Do you remember the one where Poppa learns to read? Avery was singing "Hello happiness, bye bye nastiness, Give Seabond a try." How about the Folgers commercial. I love the old classic ..."Peter." Commercials can really get to you.

I have to admit with the cable world as it is..DVR. I record almost everything and forward it thru the commercials. I still watch television occasionally, live. Today is one of those days. I am watching and wrapping. Watching NCIS and wrapping presents. It is live.

You know what I noticed? Lose weight. Try this. Succeed today. Start today. Our program works the best. Have you seen all the commercials about losing weight?

Here's a few. I have changed the names for privacy. HA!

Gut tie - we're here to help you. So you are going to come home with me and fix my meals and make sure I am eating healthy?

Fatfast - take the guess work out of dieting. Guess what? I know the healthy from unhealthy?

Enemy - fine print - sensible diet. Isn't that we need to do in the first place - be sensible?

Penny Meg - it will change your life!

I use Weight Watcher. It also has commercials that get to you.

The thing is how many of these programs are out there. So many things are out there to help us lose weight, get healthy. It seems that they are really showing up here close to the new year. What comes at the beginning of every new year? RESOLUTIONS! What is America's #1 resolution? I decided to google it. Guess what it was? Getting healthy!

I, too, have made resolutions every year and I break them. Actually, for the year 2008, I didn't resolve to lose weight. I just did it. It did come the first day of the new year but it wasn't something I wrote down and tried to hold to. I actually wasn't even that committed until a few days or week later.

Here comes the new year. Guess what I don't have to make a resolution again this year. I don't have to say this is the year. I have already started on that journey.
Here's my resolution: I resolve to get closer to my goal weight than I was last year. Wow. I can do that!

Girl's Night Out

2008-12-21T13:46:00.000-08:00

I had to somehow persuade our girls to learn a "dance" to participate in the adult choir cantata. It would be silly comstumes and practice. The bribe? We could have a girl's night out at my house. If they did it, they could come and stay at my house and PARTY. That was 3 years , lots of sleepless nights, giggles, and tears ago.
Somehow the GNO's have come down to a few. There have been some to come and some to go. We are not an exclusive club. Even though some might think that. It's just that we are a close knit group...we have been thru so many things together. We have traveled many miles together. We have laughed so hard...well....we almost....
Diana and I have had the priviledged of ...I would say...mold these girls. We love them as if they were our own little sisters! Their parents have...for some reason...entrusted them at different times to us.
Let me introduce you to them...
Rachel....she is so special! She is our youngest. She will forever be twelve. She is our one that is full of herself yet is so loving! She is going to be America's Next Top Model.

Hilary....she is quiet...most of the time. She is so sweet. She is a extraordinary young lady.

Sarah..she is so funny. We love to see her get excited. Although..no one wants to wake her up. She is an amazing young lady.

Ashley...2 Luke...a blondie...she is compassionate. She has a sweet spirit. She is a dazzling young lady.

Alyssa...Boy....she is such a little Mama. She is a mess. She keeps up stirred up...picking and playing. She is a joy!

Kylie...our grownup college girl. Please do not give her sweet tea. She is fantastic.

Jordan...my darling. I have definitly known her the longest. She is just great.

The girls are always trying to figure out who I love the most. HMMMM....I love them all the same. Each one special for their own reason and personality.

What do they have to do with my weight lost journey? They love me for me. No matter what size I am they love me. They all support me in my journey in different ways. From hugs to words, they support me. These girls inspire me each day to work hard to reach my goals.

I told the girls the other day that after Rachel and Ashley graduate that we will not have gno's anymore. I will be retired. Their response? Can we have college girl's night out? Well....

PARTY PARTY PARTY!

2008-12-17T14:38:00.000-08:00

OK...I had someone fuss a little at me because I am behind on my blog. So here I am....

The last few weeks I have been struggling!! WANNA KNOW WHY?
How many parties or celebrations have I had....Let me list....
1. Thanksgiving Day
2. Ladies' Christmas Party
3. Jason W's Ordination
4. The birth of the twins ...we went to Shreveport twice and ate out.
5. School Christmas Party for the Children....don't forget this includes.....Santa Cake, Little Debbie Trees, Traina's Cookies, M & M cookies, candy, Chocolate Santa's with marshmallow....this is not a complete list...there is more but too long to list.....OH YEAH...gifts from parents.....CHOCOLATE AND MORE CHOCOLATE.
6. Faculty and Staff Christmas party....we will graze from 1:00 until.....
7. Church supper
8. Girls Night out Christmas
9. Christmas with Mother and Brothers
10. Christmas Eve at Mam-maw's
11. Christmas Day at Mother's with Kennedy's
AGAIN THIS IS NOT A COMPLETE LIST!!!!!!

OK my conclusion? Whoever said that we should eat for a day not a season is unrealistic. They apparently have no family, no friends, no church family, no job, no LIFE! Get real. From Thanksgiving to NYE's is a constant party...it is seems there is more food and more calories in those few weeks than all year long. But it's OK because I have lost 100 plus pounds and I can make it through this season...HEY....I look forward to 2009.

Get up, dust off, and refocus!

2008-12-07T20:53:00.000-08:00

I am finding it hard to stay on track during the holiday season. I have already attended 2 parties this week. It is hard to stay within points with all that holiday food. But I am not going backwards. I going to keep remembering how far I have come. I am ready for the new year.

I want you to hear something from me. I know how hard it is to lose weight. I have fought it my entire life. I am going to fight it for a long time. My motto when I started was BE SELFISH. I had to be selfish. I knew that if I wanted to live a full life, I was going to have to make a decision to change my lifestyle.. I have heard all the talks. I have been given all the pep talks. I had to realize that I wanted to live a long healthy life. I want to be able to see my nieces and nephews graduated high school. I want to get married and have a baby. I want to be the best me God intended and designed me to be. You know it is not about being skinny. It is about being healthy!

If I was totally honest with everyone and myself, I have been REALLY off. I have resorted back to some of my previous habits. I really don't like it. People keep telling me how I have inspired them and how great I am doing. I know that I have done well.

But right now I feel like I have let myself down and all the others that have said how proud of me they are. During the day Saturday, I went and laid down. I guess I am feeling depressed. I have to get up off my bottom , dust off, and refocus!

Courage is being scared to death... and saddling up anyway. John Wayne

Whew!

2008-11-27T06:13:00.000-08:00

My new Weight Watcher magazine came in this week. It stated that most Americans gain on average only ONE TO TWO POUNDS. WHEW! But it did say that "rather than the holiday as a day of excess, most American view the season as a 5 or 6 week opportunity to overeat."
I am going to try and change my view and focus.

Thanksgiving, I am going to focus on what I am thankful for. Super family, good friends, a fantastic church family, a successful year....
Christmas will be about the real reason....Jesus' birth.

I pray that we focus being thankful for what we have and what we have been given.

7 to 10 Pounds

2008-11-25T15:06:00.000-08:00

7 to 10 pounds....I GOOGLED how much weight a person gains over the holiday season! From Thanksgiving to New Year's Eve.... 7 to 10.

That is not going to be me. I am determined to maintain or lose weight through the holidays. I am not going to be the average American.

I don't know how it is at everybody elses' house but at my house there is food out all day long! We wait until everyone gets there, then we eat. Round 1 starts around 12:30. Then more people come in and Round 2 starts. Round 3 continues after more family arrives. The family ends up eating all day. I know that I cannot do that.

I have to make some conscious food choices. I am going to eat lots of green...less ham. One trip and one desserts. I am not going but one round. Then after I eat I am getting out of the house and walk! We are going to my uncles. He has a looooong driveway. I may need to walk it more than one time.

I know that I can do this.

7 “Be strong and courageous; do not be afraid nor dismayed....................................................... for there are more with us than with him. 2 Chronicles 32:7

Taco Bell, KFC, or Subway!

2008-11-21T21:11:00.000-08:00

Tonight was Weight Watchers Night. I usually go on Tuesdays but decided to give myself a few extra days to get back on track. I was really excited to think that I had done well. Thinking was my problem. I exercised everyday at Curves this week. I drank water and ate right.
There are a few tricks I try on weigh in day....
1. Light weight clothes...black shorts, T-shirt, and flip flops. Cold don't matter!
2. No water after 3. Pick back up after weigh in.
3. Always always try to go to the bathroom.
I did all those things. So when I got on the scales, I thought ok I've done reasonable well this week...considering the last few weeks have been off! When Mary wrote my weight down, it was only .8 down. You see I gained .6 last week. So that means I only lost .2!!!! Ugh.
I held myself together. I wanted to start boo hooing! Cry and Cry and Cry! But Mary gave me a pep talk and I held it together. I was mad, upset, indifferent...all in about 5 minutes.
When I got to the truck, I still felt the need to cry but I didn't. I called my mom..she was on the phone with Ms. Helen. She was no help. Then my mind started to wonder as I left Ruston. It went right to food. I started thinking ok I can eat whatever I want. I could head to Taco Bell for some Meximelts or Cheeseroll Ups. I could head to KFC for some Original recipe chicken with a biscuit. OR I could go all the way across town(I was trying to get to the ballgame on time) to Subway to eat a much healthier sandwich. I decided to pass the first two and go to Subway even though I didnt want to drive across town.
Then out of the blue I saw the other Subway. Yeah...God is good. I pulled the drive thru, ordered by roasted chicken sandwhich with lettuce tomato, a little cheese, mayo, honey mustard, and onions. Really it was good.
Tonight I made a good choice but I don't always make the best choice. I look forward to the new morning God gives each day!

I think I can I think I can

2008-11-17T18:57:00.000-08:00

There are still good times to be had....but right now the times are hard. Sometimes life is a struggle. Sometimes it is hard to keep going and stay on track. I am going through one of those times in life.

Someone asked me about a month or two after I started if I ever cheated. I was really upset. I could not believe she was asking me that! Some people are just not supportive! I was so proud of me and the efforts I made to be healthy and stay on task. And NO I had not cheated. If you asked me that question today, I couldn't' lie. I have cheated. Cheating on my points, cheated myself by not exercising!

The last few weeks have been very hard for me. I have made some really bad choices....really not making good choices!! I have been trying to get back on track but it is so hard. I have been told not to go back. No worries..I am not going back but I just can't seem to go forward. It is like I am stalled.

I tell myself all the time I have lost 107 pounds in 10 months. That is huge. But I have more miles to go, more pounds to lose. I keep giving myself a pep talk. You can do it, you have done well, you are going to continue to do well, you come a long way!

I think I can I think I can....remember The Little Engine That Could?

There was a train that needed help getting over the mountain but no one wanted to help. Only the little blue engine was willing to take on the big task, while saying I think I can I think I can...but he overcame a seemingly impossible task.

Looking at my task, it seems an impossible task. But I THINK I CAN, I THINK I CAN....a lot of people think I can...my whole gang. So my new motto.... I know I can, I know I can.

I know I can do it with His help. Before my feet hit the floor every day, I will pray that He will help me through the rough patches . I will ask that He would help me make the best choices and you know what?

I KNOW HE CAN! I KNOW HE CAN!

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Philippians 4:8

There will be gains!

2008-11-16T19:53:00.000-08:00

Ok so I have been on the program for 11 months. And yes there has been some gains. The first time I gained...it was .8...not a big deal. I handled it. It was after 11 weeks. The next week I lost 5 pounds.

Then 8 weeks later...I gained 2 pounds. It was terrible. Diana came in after me and when she asked me how I did...I began to cry. IN THE MEETING. It was awful. Ms. Barbara tried to make it better but I was really upset. I know the others thought I was a little off. Diana laughed at me because I was so upset. (She really is a great friend...she is the reason I got started! She wasn't being mean...she thought I over reacting!) After the meeting, Ms. Mary(WW secretary) and Ms. Barbara(WW leader) felt really sorry for me. They hugged me and told me I could do it! It was a small setback and I had come so far. They really encouraged me that night.

I don't know why this was such a big thing. I had gained once before. But 2 pounds!!!! Silly me I had already lost 76 pounds. I was so afraid that I might go backwards! I had worked so hard in those 5 months...I was having a break down.

That night it was a break down but it was actually a break through too. I don't know when I did it ......but I decided that it was ok. It was a gain but the not the end. I realized there were going to be gains but it didnt matter. I had already been successful. I knew why I had gained and needed to move on from there. The next day was a start over.

You know...the gain was not the real problem. It was the reason I gained. Getting to the bottom of weight gain is so important. Not enough exercise, too much food, not enough water, eating too late....factors that really matter.

I have gained again since then...one time it was 5 pounds!....but I try to handle it in a different way..than tears. Oh it upsets me but now I have to think about what I am doing. I have to change the behavior that caused the gain.

Being healthy and maintaining a healthy weight is going to be a lifetime challenge. I have to know that I have a ways to go and there will be ups and downs. But I am going to try and have more downs than ups.

How hard has it been and F-O-X?

2008-11-15T21:04:00.000-08:00

The question I get asked a good bit is Has it been hard? It has been easy. I have a serious motto. The motto actually came from a inspirational talk that I had with Aunt Jackie a long time. Except then I would not listen to her. Be selfish. How? Make choices that were best for me. I had to be selfish so that I could become healthy. OH YEAH I want to look good and be America's Next Top Model...but I want to live. I want to live and have a long happy healthy life.

I think the main reason that it has been easy is because of the prayers and support of family and friends. Family family, school family, church family. I probably have more family than anyone in J'boro. I never realized how many people were worried and concerned for me. People who never told me but I had an influence on them. People who never said a word began to comment on how they were proud of me and that I could do it.

*Footnote* I am not wanting to point anybody out because I don't want to leave any supporters out. BUT I do want to share stories of how God different people to help me succeed.

Candy Fox---Candi is my prayer warrior. When I started, she was there quietly supporting me. Loving me for me, yet praying for me to change and become the best that God designed me to be.

Back when I first started, we would go every Monday and every Tuesday my friends at school would wait for me to announce what I had lost. No matter what I lost or gained...Candi was always encouraging me to keep going. The first Monday night I weighed Candi was home with her husband Steve eating supper. They had prayed and blessed the food and had began to eat when she realized she had not prayed for me on my first weigh day. She started praying right then. I think Steve thought she was losing it.

The God thing ---we figured I was weighing in and she was praying at the same time! I had a good first week. I lost 10.8 my first week! Even though I don't get to see or talk to Candi every day,I know she still prays for me. Candi has been a good friend and a big supporter!

God is good all the time...All the time God is good.

First weigh in and Dear Abby

2008-11-15T09:26:00.000-08:00

So I would be blogging all day for the next month if I tried to talk about all the things that have happened since I started losing weight. I just going to hit the highlights.

I think everyone starts January with a New Year's Resolution. I am the first to say that I have been one of those. I am going to lose weight. I am going to read my Bible more. I am going to... Beginning this new year, I made no resolutions. I just started the year.

I am not one to read my horoscope but I do love Dear Abby. And right next to Dear Abby was the horoscope. So I peeked. "You know what you are doing, and you've set a nice standard of forward movement. Aggressive or eager moves only mess with your momentum. Steady wins the race. Continue in your patience, gracious manner." Did I tell you this was published the week after my first weigh in?

Diana and I arrived at Weight Watchers January 7th, 2008. I was worried about weigh in. If you have never been significantly overweight you won't understand. I didn't know how much I weighed or how much the scales would hold. But I went and got on! Hallelujah! It weighed me and did not break. (This was not my first weigh in at WW but I was at my biggest!)

I wish I could remember what the Ms. Barbara (you will hear more about her later) talked about but I have not clue. I just remember thinking I am the biggest one here. I have so much to lose. My weight was the highest I think it had every been. I am going to die a young death. I am going to leave my family and friends. I am never going to get married and have children. I had a lot of thoughts running through my mind.

That Monday night my life changed.

October 2007

2008-11-15T07:17:00.000-08:00

October 2007

This is my class field trip to the Pumpkin Patch. Where are my eyes? Look at the sunglasses.

October 2008

2008-11-15T07:09:00.000-08:00

This is October 2008. I have eyes! Notice the sunglasses. Same field trip different year.

The beginning - the best place to start.

2008-11-14T22:29:00.000-08:00

I should have started this in January when I started my journey. But maybe I can catch up all the things that have happened in the last 10 and 1/2 months.

I will start at the beginning...
January 1st 2008. The girls - my girls from church - came over after the church's watch night service on New Years. They stayed the night and all the next day.....let me remember who was here....Alyssa, Sarah, Jordan, Rachel, Hilary, Ashley, Abbie, Diana....I don't remember anybody else. We stayed in our pj's all day, ate junk and watched all the Love Come Softly DVDs. Like 5 of them! The girls went home at different times throughout the day. There were a few left at 8 the next next day - the first day of the new year - Abbie, Diana, Ashley, and Sarah. I was really ready for them to go. They had been there all day and I was ready to have my house back. I REALLY LOVE THEM!
OK...so somehow we ended watching the Biggest Loser Friends. If you have watched Biggest, you know that the contestants go through certain competitions. This particular night the challenge was for the teams of 2 people carry a hot air balloon(small scale - no basket) attached to them the length of a football field. These people were hurting...they were pushing hard to win. I told Diana that we should go on there. She agreed with me but Sarah had a different opinion. She said "you (talking about Diana) can't do it. You would quit." I helped the with the word determination. Diana was appalled!

So this began the discussion!!! We decided we would try our own Biggest Loser with teams and prizes. Our teams would be Diana & Ashley. Then it would be me, Sarah(of course - because Diana had no determination) & Abbie. Sarah would be my encourager and Abbie the personal trainer. Diana suggested we start Weight Watchers. I relunctantly agreed. Outwardly I agreed but on the inside I had my doubts. My thoughts were ok we will try it AGAIN. I even tried to get Diana to start later than she wanted but she would not have it. We had to start the next Monday. One week later we were sitting in Weight Watchers.

My reality hit when I got on the scales. Ok here it goes...I am going to let you know how much I weighed....436... yep....me too. I had gotten there. Ok, you are probably saying "I wouldn't dare post what I weigh" ME either then but I am far from that weight and I am headed to a new healthier weight and am not going back. So goodbye 436. And hello new me.